Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

The ocean

I wish life was as simple as the ocean. With every wave it erases everything. I wrote my name in the sand. Then a wave came and washed it away. You ever make a mistake and wish the wave would just erase it? I have done things in my life I am not proud of. It would take a flood to ease some of them.

Have you ever been in the ocean and have the waves beat you down. You try to stand and they just keeping knocking you down. That sums up my life. Some times there is a calm in ocean. I can stand freely and feel safe. Knowing at any point a big wave may come and knock me over.

No matter how many times the waves knock me over. I still try to stand back up. I no if I keep standing that eventually they will calm down again.

It’s when the big waves come and knock you down. You don’t try to stand back up is when there is a problem. If you stop fighting the waves. The ocean will win. It will take you away and you will be washed away.

You may feel like that is the best plan. It’s not! The ocean wants you to fight! Even though the ocean will never erase your mistakes. If the ocean is to rough just stand out and watch it for awhile. Let the waves pound the earth. Until your ready to deal with it.

Eventually you will be strong enough to handle even the big waves. Don’t fight so hard on the small waves save your energy for the big ones.

The best thing there are always people fighting the same waves. Some times it can make it easier to fight them together instead of alone.

Today I don’t feel like fighting the waves. Today I am just going to sit and watch them. Knowing I can’t always just sit and watch. I will have to get in and fight the waves. Hopefully there isn’t any big storms coming. So I can just relax and enjoy the the little waves for now………

Freedom

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What is worth losing your freedom for? Have you ever really thought about it? Have you ever had to much to drink and yet still drive home? Just like that you could lose your freedom. One dumb night one dumb decision. Just like that you could be put in jail. I learned my leson when I was 20. I went out drinking and drove. I crashed my car(I loved that car). I don’t remember much but I very clearly remeber the sound of the slamming of the door. That sound I have never ever forgot.

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Is making money worth losing your freedon? Most people would say nope not me. I can guarantee that most people risk it every day. Either by making bad decisions or greed. What if you needed something to survive but didn’t have money for it?

For me no money in the world is worth chancing it. I live my life one paycheck away from being homeless. Is that a great way to live. Hell no it’s not. It’s stressful and hard. I no for sure the police will not lock me up for being broke. My son likes to argue this point. He believes that we give up our freedom by going to work every day. That every one is just doing what you are trained to do. 

I often wonder if the people who risk there freedom every day. If they have ever lost there freedom. If they no how it feels not to be able to leave. I can tell you it’s horrible. So I guess my question is how much are you willing to risk?

Why a Tom cat?

I met up with my “Tom” cat. I asked him why do you like being a “Tom” cat? He said well I don’t make a good house cat soooo. I asked what makes a good house cat? He says well for starters you have to like to be stuck in one house for years. I said well I get that but don’t you get tired of having to search for everything? He then said no because if I wanted everything handed to me I would be a house cat.

I asked him don’t you get lonely out here all by yourself. He said I am not alone very often there lots of out here. Some not so nice and some are too nice. He went on to tell me he wasn’t always a “Tom” cat. I had home once humans that fed me. I had a nice warm bed that slept in. Then one day I went out to play. I guess I lost my way. I tried to find them but I never did.

I went hungry for bit. I had no idea what to do with out my humans. I missed them a lot but I guess they never looked for me.

So then the chase began. I had to chase my meals,warmth and any thing else I wanted. I learned real quick the big things on the road stay away! Also the kitty police with a net. Run!!!!I have lost a lot of friends to both.

I went on to ask him did you ever try to find another house to stay in? He said no I guess I was a one house kinda kitty. I had it once so at least I can say I had it. There lots of kitty’s out here who have never been in house.

The world is our house. We are free to go any where. There is always food somewhere. You can always find a nice warm place to stay. When you stop trying to find the perfect house to live in. You will learn to enjoy the freedom.

Sorry kitty I gotta go. I have been here with you to long. Then the “tom’ cat ran off. I will see him in a few weeks maybe….

The Weather

The weather lately has mirrored my mood. It’s dark and cries a lot. My mind is stuck in a dark spot. It’s very gloomy and storms often. The sky is crying more then normal. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I walked outside and the sky was crying, also.

When I was happy I would walk in the rain. I would look up and smile. Now when it rains it gives me more ways to hide. I can hide from friends and I can hide my tears. Standing out in the rain with tears coming down my face. I hear thunder, then the lighting strikes. It’s storming again, just like my mind.

I fear tomorrow the sun will be out. I am not ready to face it. I need more time to hide. I need to hide my tears. I need more time to hide away. The world has been so dark just like how I feel.

When I wake up and the sun is shining on me, I cover my eyes. I just don’t want to see the brightness. I am not ready to be out of my darkness. I put on a fake smile and go to work. I try all day to not cry.

I get in the car and sky is crying just as I am, all the way home. It’s storming again tonight. It makes it easy to stay home; home, where I am safe from everyone. I am not ready to fake happy. My mind is still dark with storms. and just like the weather I have been crying more then usually. Maybe tomorrow the sun will be out. Maybe tomorrow my world won’t be dark. Maybe the skies will stop crying, and so will I…

maybe…….

Your Last Breath

We cried while holding you. We could tell you were slipping away. I told you, “Just be free baby.” We loved you up to your last breath. My poor son was crying non stop. He thought it was his fault that you had to leave us so early. You can’t speak to us. We tried to always make you happy. We don’t understand why you had to leave us so early. I hope you know that we loved you so much.

I swear the other night I saw you running around. You were always so happy just running in and out of closets. I hope you did not feel pain. If only you could talk we would have known you were sick. I was holding my son as we laid down to rest. I never seen him cry like this before. He loved you with all his heart. Him hurting is making my heart hurt, even worse.

Learning about death is horrible. Watching your son cry is the worst. I can’t fix this. No matter what I do. I can’t bring her back. I hate that you had to go so soon. I hope you know we loved you. Be free baby I hope to see you up in heaven.

The Rain

I was standing there, in the rain, with tears running down my face. I was hoping noone could see them. I was hoping the rain would hide how much pain I felt. My heart hurt, but I did love the storm. I had fun waiting for the storm, but it hit too soon; I usually know when the storm is about to hit. I guess I was just having so much fun, that I forgot to shut the windows.

This storm was different. It was quick but violent. It took out a ton of trees and did so much damage to everything. I usually like to dance in the storms and play in the rain; but not this one. 

This one caused so much damage that I just started to cry. WTF! I am that weak person again. And just like after every other storm, there comes the clean up. I am too tired to clean up after this one, so I just lay down and sleep.

I wake up to feeling the pain again, of what the storm did. The sun is shining now but my eyes are still raining.

I will wake up in the morning and the sun will be shining. I will be happy because God gave me another day. Tomorrow I will feel blessed and happy, but tonight I will cry myself to sleep about the storm. I will walk this earth waiting for the next storm. This time I won’t be weak. I will enjoy the storms and smile in the rain. But I’m not sure how many more storms I can see like this one; it did a lot of damage.

It’s like the song blame it on the rain…

…Rain don’t mind…

My Heart

I told my heart to never love again. Nope. Never. If only it was that easy. How can you control your heart? I can not change it when it happens.

When you feel it, there is no stopping it. You can say, “Nope!” all day; “It’s not true!” when you feel it. The feeling is real. The love is there. When I am happy I want to tell you. When I am sad I want to tell you. I think about you all the time. The feeling is there and I just can’t stop my heart. I know the feeling is not received. That is ok. When I lay in your arms I feel safe. My heart feels healed. I just want to lay in your arms forever. It’s too soon to feel so safe. I just feel complete with you. I feel there are secrets that lie between us. When I am with you, they all disappear. The world just goes away and just you and I.

I have never felt this way before; safe and happy. The connection between us is so powerful that others have seen it for years. When I with you, I feel like nothing matters but us. I know you feel the power we have. I am at peace with you. I act tough like I don’t care, but I do. You have made me weak again. My heart has opened up. I can’t just close it.

Our future dreams are different and thought of you leaving me haunts me in my dreams. I tell my heart, “Do not love again!” but it won’t listen this time.

I remind my heart of the last loss we had and how it hurt so bad. I flash back to that scared girl crying on the floor, being left with nothing. Then I remember I became so strong after that.

I don’t know how much fight I have left in me and how many times my heart can get hurt. I must live for the moment, and not the future. Don’t worry what you can’t change. Enjoy what you have. Don’t cry about what might be

You know the saying, “Dance like there’s nobody watching, love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like there’s nobody listening”? If I had tattoo, that’s what it would be!

Learning disability

Living with a learning disability is so hard. I was often called “Stupid” from peers and boyfriends; worse yet, my husband. When I was much younger I had speech problems. People who know me now, are like “Really?” Yes. I could not say bird, or board, or purple and lots of other words. My sister often talked for me. I can remember being very irritated. I remember thinking, “Why can’t they understand me?” I would wait for my sister to fix what I was saying. I remember going to speech class in school. I was so happy that finally someone would help. I’m not just speaking for me. I also suffered from another learning disability that was not found until later in life. I remember getting sent to summer school every year. I was so sad, and I tried so hard, yet I had failed once again. I remember getting that letter; it meant I had failed.

I tried so hard but I just could not write, or read the way I was suppose to. I remember getting put into Spanish class. I was like, “WTF?! I can barely pass English.” I failed of course. Then I was tested and when I came back in 9th grade,  my reading level was that of a 6th grader.

Then the label came of a disability, and I was put in a “special ” English class. All my friends would pick on me, daily. That is most likely why I would find things to make the pain go away. I will talk about that in another blog. I was told, “Don’t bother taking SATS. You will just fail.” I was told, “Don’t even try college. You will never make it.” Well that sucks. There was no real help for my disability just a teacher that would “help” me….just like with my sister who would speak for me.

To this day, I can’t even post this blog until it’s proof read, and “fixed.” Otherwise, it would not be readable. I have taken tests to get a job that would change my life. I would fail like always. When I got my results, I would always hear my ex-husband say, “Your a loser and you have nothing. You will never have a career or money. You are too dumb to do anything.” I always figured that God had a plan for me.  He must. He sent me my husband, I thought.

I would be the loving wife, and then God sent me two great boys. I figured that was the plan He had for me. I was brought up with the belief that you stay married, no matter what.

No matter how bad it got, I stayed. This was the way life was, right?

Wrong! I guess God had other plans. He must have known that I was stronger then I ever thought I was. Thank God that even with a learning disability, I was smart enough to survive.

My life has never been easy. Never. Every day is a struggle. Even writing this blog is hard.

So the next time you meet someone with a disability don’t ever feel sorry for them. Don’t talk for them, and they don’t need your help. Just respect them and realize that there life is so much harder then yours. Be grateful for life and what God has given you. I believe he has a plan for everyone. He just made me realize that even though I have this disability I am still very strong.

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