Good in the hood

If I had all the money in world I would still rather live in the hood. People who have never had to hustle just to pay a bill. Would never ever understand the hood. I literally have friends who will never ever even come to my house. Does it offend me? Nope not in the slightest. Do I think it’s funny when people say well not in my neighborhood lol! That goes just like nope not my husband he would never! 15 years ago I was that person. I have learned you can live in the safest hood possible and not be safe. You can have the best marriage ever and still have it go to shit. I swear l laugh so hard when people say. I no where my hubby or wife is every minute. They could never. O how wrong they are. I love this one there aren’t any drugs or crime where I live. I have literally fallen down laughing. If they only had a clue.

Who am I to bust there bubble? Maybe there lies keep them happy at night. Maybe it’s like you really don’t want to no the answer so you don’t ask the questions? People literally will live there whole life living in there bubble. The problem is it only takes one sharp edge to make your bubble fall apart.

You ever ask your self why you get up every morning and go to a job you hate? I can tell you why. That is what we are taught. Go to work earn money. Slave your self just to get a paycheck. Just to pay the bills. Why because that’s the American dream right????

I can tell you right now when my youngest is 18. The 3 of will no longer be in this country. For now I am doing what I have to do. Will I ever go to job that I hate nope! Will I have to sell shit to pay a bill yep! Do I live in the hood yep! Am I happy? Yes!!! I do not need to live the American dream with the white fucking picket fence! Before long the government will be telling you what job you must work. In this “free” country that we live in. My next blog will be about how “free” we are. Till then it’s all good in my hood!

Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

Where are you???

You have me searching all over this town for you. Where are you?? Are you hurt some where??? I try calling you no answer. I text nothing…

O wait you have just been ghosted! Why do people think this ok? When did this become a normal thing. When did a break up text become a thing. What is wrong with people!? I can’t under stand. Do people ever grow up?? Am I going to be playing these stupid games in my 60″s?? Dear lord I hope not!

There is gotta to be a better way. I am so tired of dating. Ugh!!! My friends say then don’t date. Well what other options do I have? I don’t want to be alone forever. Dating is like gardening you have to weed out all the bad stuff. I don’t have time to garden. I just want the good stuff.

After another bad date or getting ghosted. I become to hate my ex husband. I should not be dealing with this shit in my 40″s. Then I think of all the fun I have. I get less angry at him. I mean the last 9 years I have done more then I did when I was with him. So really I should thank him in some ways.

My real question is do men ever grow up??? Do they ever stop the games? I mean really why ghost some one? Just say what you want! We are all adults and we can handle it.

Have I ever been the one that ghosted some one? I am guilty of it too. Not sure why I do it. I guess it’s easier to hit block. Then say your to old, weird, short,needy, and best of all boring. I hate being mean to people. I never want to hurt any one.

Have I become a serial dater? God I hope not. Maybe I should start drinking coffee lol. What am I looking for?? I hate this question. I want to say I have no idea. I really don’t but when I find it I will let you no.

I wish there was an app to build the perfect guy. Like mr potato head. Wouldn’t that be great!

The Weather

The weather lately has mirrored my mood. It’s dark and cries a lot. My mind is stuck in a dark spot. It’s very gloomy and storms often. The sky is crying more then normal. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I walked outside and the sky was crying, also.

When I was happy I would walk in the rain. I would look up and smile. Now when it rains it gives me more ways to hide. I can hide from friends and I can hide my tears. Standing out in the rain with tears coming down my face. I hear thunder, then the lighting strikes. It’s storming again, just like my mind.

I fear tomorrow the sun will be out. I am not ready to face it. I need more time to hide. I need to hide my tears. I need more time to hide away. The world has been so dark just like how I feel.

When I wake up and the sun is shining on me, I cover my eyes. I just don’t want to see the brightness. I am not ready to be out of my darkness. I put on a fake smile and go to work. I try all day to not cry.

I get in the car and sky is crying just as I am, all the way home. It’s storming again tonight. It makes it easy to stay home; home, where I am safe from everyone. I am not ready to fake happy. My mind is still dark with storms. and just like the weather I have been crying more then usually. Maybe tomorrow the sun will be out. Maybe tomorrow my world won’t be dark. Maybe the skies will stop crying, and so will I…

maybe…….

Play Kitty

I never realized how much I love to play. I just love to play with everything. I just don’t like to be played with. I want to play on my terms. When you play with me and I get happy, then you just stop, I might bite you.

I don’t mean any harm, I just want your attention. I want you to realize that playing with me might be fun. You should just leave me alone until I am ready to play again.

I am so happy you got to have fun with me when I was just a kitten. Now that I am older I don’t like to play as much. I am so glad I got to entertain you. I know at some point I made you happy. You still love me, but I am just not that fun anymore.

I worry at some point if you will go find a new kitten to play with. I just hope you don’t get rid of me. I am glad I got you through a rough time in life. It just seems like you need something else. I try to play more, and try to love you more. You just seems like you don’t want to play with me anymore. Maybe it’s better if I just run away. That way you won’t have to worry about me anymore. I don’t want to stay with someone who wants something else. I didn’t realize you wanted just to play with me for a short time. I didn’t realize you just wanted to play.

I will go away now. Don’t worry about me. I will see who else wants to play with me.

Don’t look for me. I don’t want to play anymore. Not now not for awhile.

I cut my paw on some glass you broke. So it hurts when I play right now. I am sure in time my paw will heal. I will go on and play, in time. I hope you find your forever kitten that loves to play. I am sorry I could not be your forever kitty…….

Run Kitty

I woke up. It felt odd in the house, and I have no idea why? I came down the stairs to see that he left the door open. Odd! Why would he do that? He always told me to stay in where it’s safe. Now the door is wide open, knowing I will walk out of it…So out I go. I ran around like a silly kitty. I found some friends and hung out with them. I was just wondering when he was going to come get me. But he never came.

I started to get hungry and sleepy. I walked for a while and realized it must have been days! I had seen that big bright thing in the sky at least 3 times. OMG! I can smell you! I must be close to home. Thank God! I am starving and lonely. I miss you I want you to pet me. I want to fall asleep on your chest. Oh, how I can’t wait to be back with you. I will never run out that damn door again.

This was the house, but you weren’t there! None of our stuff…nothing! Where are you? What did I do? I am so sorry for running out the door. Please come back for me. I will never ever run away again, I promise. I will never wake you up, or keep you up again. I promise! just come back. I am hungry!!!! I start running through the house in a panic. I see someone…not you.

He is reading something (this is what the note read), “Dear new owner, I had to disappear. I could not take my cat. She is going to be sad and mad. She may hiss at you, but she is really a sweet kitty, once she gets to know you. She will trust you and stay loyal. She will never run away. She loves to sleep on my chest. She is needy and she gets hungry a lot. I left her favorite food on the counter. When you are done reading this. Say, “Jasmin you are safe with me.” Make sure you say “Jasmin” then she will know it’s from me. I will come back from time to time to check on her from distance. She will never trust me again, so no worries; I will never take her away from you. Please take care of Jasmin and tell her I will love her forever. I just had to go.”

He looked at me and said, “Jasmin, you are safe.” Wait did he just call me Jasmin? OMG! Did he leave me???? Now I have to deal with this person. How will he know how to pet me, and how to feed me. How could he think he could just send someone else to take his place. So I took off and ran! I want to find you. I will run for years until I find you. I don’t want just anyone; I want you!

Well, Okay! I am hungry so I walk back and somehow he has the same food. Of course I hiss at him. But I do eat the food he left me. I guess I will sleep on this bed since it’s here. I still want you. He can hear me crying for you. He says, “My poor Jasmin, I know how it feels to be abandoned and I am not taking his place. I just want to help you make it through this. I realize I am not him. I will never leave you. If I leave you, come with me, ok? Until then, let’s just enjoy each other while we are both missing someone.”

Still crying, I fell asleep that night and many more. I loved to sleep because that’s when I got to see you. I miss you so much……..

If cats could cry

If cats could cry, my whiskers would soaked with tears. The other night when you were crying, I licked your tears away. Wishing I could also cry. I finally found a safe place to stay; a place I would love to call home. All you say is you can’t wait to leave. You don’t have to leave me, but you choose to. Why do you still hold me and tell me you miss me while your gone? I have never done any thing wrong. All I did was let you play with me. I purr the minute I see you. I never want morning to come. With each night that passes, you get closer and closer to leaving me. Don’t you worry that someone might take me? What if I get lost and starve to death? How could you just leave me, and not care?

I know there is another cat waiting for you there. She won’t be anything like me. I am the best cat out there, and you have me. You’re just going throw me out and leave? Why??!? What on earth did I do so wrong? I look at you with sad eyes. I love you and I don’t want you to go. All I can do is show you. If cats could cry…..

Your Last Breath

We cried while holding you. We could tell you were slipping away. I told you, “Just be free baby.” We loved you up to your last breath. My poor son was crying non stop. He thought it was his fault that you had to leave us so early. You can’t speak to us. We tried to always make you happy. We don’t understand why you had to leave us so early. I hope you know that we loved you so much.

I swear the other night I saw you running around. You were always so happy just running in and out of closets. I hope you did not feel pain. If only you could talk we would have known you were sick. I was holding my son as we laid down to rest. I never seen him cry like this before. He loved you with all his heart. Him hurting is making my heart hurt, even worse.

Learning about death is horrible. Watching your son cry is the worst. I can’t fix this. No matter what I do. I can’t bring her back. I hate that you had to go so soon. I hope you know we loved you. Be free baby I hope to see you up in heaven.

The Other Cat

One day I was out sunning myself by the window. I looked up and I saw another cat! I swear, from the photos I saw, I thought that was the cat the man had said he had lost! There she was looking in the window. He had warned me that she might come back around. He explained on how he had spent years chasing her all around town. She was just never happy at his house. I guess she thought that she could find a bigger house, a better house, or somebody else that could love her more. For some reason I never believed him. I always thought she was make believe. But there she was just watching in the window. Not sure what happened next but I obviously laid down and took a nap. The next thing I knew, the man was coming through the door. Somehow he could just tell that I was upset, even though I hadn’t said anything. He said, “Don’t worry about her. She’ll never be allowed back into my house. You’re the only kitty I want in my bed.”

I remember a story he had told me about how this other kitty had ran away. He had searched and searched, but finally he just gave up…until a big storm came. I remember this storm. My cats lost most of their trees and they were so scared. Of course, I came to there recuse and got them safe from this bad storm.

This kitty went back to his house; I guess she felt safe with him for the moment. He told me, “I guess I was just so happy she had came back, I didn’t realize she would just run off again. I told her how much I cleaned up the house and fixed up some stuff. She seemed happy for a little while. Then next thing I new she jumped the fence and was happy in another house.”

If she is so happy why is she looking in my window?! I don’t share my house! So go run, wild kitty! You’re not welcome here no more! I’m not sure why she would rather run around the town rather then be safe. I have been out there for many years. You are always on the look-out. There are always bigger cats trying to get you…or dogs. I felt like I was always running from cars, and people.

I was always looking for food, and just trying to stay away from things that would hurt me. Now I had found my safe place I would never run away from this house. He would have to kick me out. I seemed to make him happy, and I was the happiest I have ever been. So go away other kitty! You had a great house. You chose to leave it…….

Stormy Weather

The sun was shining, yet I felt dark inside. My world was falling apart around me. I wanted to just lay in bed forever. But knowing that I had to get up, and take care of the boys and go to work, I wiped the tears from my eyes, and got up like my world had not fallen apart. I fed the boys breakfast, and got then to school, then cried all the way to work.

I put my makeup and smile on, and off to work I went. This routine would continue for a long time. My life as I knew it was over. My horrible divorce had gone public on Facebook.

Many years I went just faking happy. I would cry in the shower, so the boys would not how bad I hurt. They were the innocent victims in this war. Many nights I would lay awake wondering, “How can I do this alone?” And I blamed myself because I felt I had failed as a wife, and they lost their dad.

Then came the darkest day of my life ever….I came home from work and there was a foreclosure sign on our door. So I made game of it with my boys. “Let’s sell whatever we can to make money” I said, and we started looking for a place to rent in the smallest town ever. That was hard.We found a small house to rent and I was able to keep the boys in the same school; for that I was thankful.

By this point, my ex and his soon-to-be wife had moved 45 minutes away. Being with her was more important then helping me raise his kids. Thank God for some of the best friends I have ever met. Everyone helped out getting boys to sports, and school, and home.

Since my life had gone public, everyone knew everything. What no one knew is how dark I felt. I threw on a happy face and played the happy person, but every day I was struggling with the darkness that set in. At what point will the sun shine again in me?

It would be years of darkness until I felt the sun shine on me again…..