Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

The ocean

I wish life was as simple as the ocean. With every wave it erases everything. I wrote my name in the sand. Then a wave came and washed it away. You ever make a mistake and wish the wave would just erase it? I have done things in my life I am not proud of. It would take a flood to ease some of them.

Have you ever been in the ocean and have the waves beat you down. You try to stand and they just keeping knocking you down. That sums up my life. Some times there is a calm in ocean. I can stand freely and feel safe. Knowing at any point a big wave may come and knock me over.

No matter how many times the waves knock me over. I still try to stand back up. I no if I keep standing that eventually they will calm down again.

It’s when the big waves come and knock you down. You don’t try to stand back up is when there is a problem. If you stop fighting the waves. The ocean will win. It will take you away and you will be washed away.

You may feel like that is the best plan. It’s not! The ocean wants you to fight! Even though the ocean will never erase your mistakes. If the ocean is to rough just stand out and watch it for awhile. Let the waves pound the earth. Until your ready to deal with it.

Eventually you will be strong enough to handle even the big waves. Don’t fight so hard on the small waves save your energy for the big ones.

The best thing there are always people fighting the same waves. Some times it can make it easier to fight them together instead of alone.

Today I don’t feel like fighting the waves. Today I am just going to sit and watch them. Knowing I can’t always just sit and watch. I will have to get in and fight the waves. Hopefully there isn’t any big storms coming. So I can just relax and enjoy the the little waves for now………

Freedom

dawn sunset beach woman
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What is worth losing your freedom for? Have you ever really thought about it? Have you ever had to much to drink and yet still drive home? Just like that you could lose your freedom. One dumb night one dumb decision. Just like that you could be put in jail. I learned my leson when I was 20. I went out drinking and drove. I crashed my car(I loved that car). I don’t remember much but I very clearly remeber the sound of the slamming of the door. That sound I have never ever forgot.

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Is making money worth losing your freedon? Most people would say nope not me. I can guarantee that most people risk it every day. Either by making bad decisions or greed. What if you needed something to survive but didn’t have money for it?

For me no money in the world is worth chancing it. I live my life one paycheck away from being homeless. Is that a great way to live. Hell no it’s not. It’s stressful and hard. I no for sure the police will not lock me up for being broke. My son likes to argue this point. He believes that we give up our freedom by going to work every day. That every one is just doing what you are trained to do. 

I often wonder if the people who risk there freedom every day. If they have ever lost there freedom. If they no how it feels not to be able to leave. I can tell you it’s horrible. So I guess my question is how much are you willing to risk?

Cold kitty

O damn it’s that time a year ago! It’s dark way too early. Its cold at night brrrr. I still haven’t found my forever home. I haven’t even been able to find a temporary house. All I want is to be cuddled up at the foot of your bed. I miss how grumpy you would get when I beg for food “to early ” .

Where are you?? You said you were going some where that it’s always warm. You told me I would not be welcome there. How do I find you? I didn’t realize how much I would miss you. Yes I miss the good food. I miss the warm house. No one pets me like you did. I wonder if you miss me. Did you find a another kitty over there?

This place is full of “Tom” cats. I am so over messing with them. I need to find a home and quick.

I find the place where you last were. The place is still empty. I go in walk around. It’s just a empty house with out you. I found a towel it smells like you. I will just lay here. I must of fallen asleep because I dreamt of you. I was so happy I didn’t want to wake up.

I hear a little person say mom this house has a cat. O hell no!!! I am way to old to deal with a little person. They have way to much energy and they are loud. I try to run but I am not as fast as her.

I hear the mom say don’t touch it. The cat might have bugs or a disease. “Well that was rude I think to my self”. Don’t judge me! You have no idea how I feel. O wait she is reading the note you left. She has tears running down her face. She says kitty I am so sorry you got left here. Let me feed you and get you some where warm.

Wait!!!! Get me some where warm???? O shit kitty jail!!! This time I don’t have you to get me out. No one wants an old grumpy cat. I ran so fast out that door. I didn’t care if I had to freeze and starve. Hell no I am not ready to give up yet!!! So yet another cold night out here alone……….

Where are you???

You have me searching all over this town for you. Where are you?? Are you hurt some where??? I try calling you no answer. I text nothing…

O wait you have just been ghosted! Why do people think this ok? When did this become a normal thing. When did a break up text become a thing. What is wrong with people!? I can’t under stand. Do people ever grow up?? Am I going to be playing these stupid games in my 60″s?? Dear lord I hope not!

There is gotta to be a better way. I am so tired of dating. Ugh!!! My friends say then don’t date. Well what other options do I have? I don’t want to be alone forever. Dating is like gardening you have to weed out all the bad stuff. I don’t have time to garden. I just want the good stuff.

After another bad date or getting ghosted. I become to hate my ex husband. I should not be dealing with this shit in my 40″s. Then I think of all the fun I have. I get less angry at him. I mean the last 9 years I have done more then I did when I was with him. So really I should thank him in some ways.

My real question is do men ever grow up??? Do they ever stop the games? I mean really why ghost some one? Just say what you want! We are all adults and we can handle it.

Have I ever been the one that ghosted some one? I am guilty of it too. Not sure why I do it. I guess it’s easier to hit block. Then say your to old, weird, short,needy, and best of all boring. I hate being mean to people. I never want to hurt any one.

Have I become a serial dater? God I hope not. Maybe I should start drinking coffee lol. What am I looking for?? I hate this question. I want to say I have no idea. I really don’t but when I find it I will let you no.

I wish there was an app to build the perfect guy. Like mr potato head. Wouldn’t that be great!

How????

You say, “Don’t be sad.” How?!? You plan your future without me. But yet, I am laying next to you. With every day of more and more hurt, its like being dead and watching someone plan your funeral.

You say, “Aren’t you happy for me?” Um, No. I am not. How could I be? Your life won’t have me in it. There is nothing making you go; only just to do it. Hurt doesn’t even to begin to explain what I feel. Sad doesn’t either. Knowing you are choosing to leave and plan a future without me; words can’t even explain how it feels.

Maybe I was what you needed; for so long, everyone hurt you. I get to be the person you destroy; you get to be the one this time. I understand I am nothing to you; just someone to pass time along until your dream became a reality. Can I ever forgive you for hurting me like this? No! I can’t. The day you leave will be the last time I see you.

How stupid of me to let my heart heal. You are no different then everyone else. The fact that you’re leaving is one thing, but to plan a whole future without me, is unforgivable.

I am glad I got to be the one. It’s been so long since I felt anything at all. I will enjoy the time we have left, but don’t ask me to be happy for you. I will not throw you a party. I don’t want you to go. Your time is not done here, yet. I hope your life is all, and more than you want. I would never wish you anything less. Just understand what your leaving behind. You’re so busy planing your future, you’re forgetting who is standing next to you…..

If cats could cry

If cats could cry, my whiskers would soaked with tears. The other night when you were crying, I licked your tears away. Wishing I could also cry. I finally found a safe place to stay; a place I would love to call home. All you say is you can’t wait to leave. You don’t have to leave me, but you choose to. Why do you still hold me and tell me you miss me while your gone? I have never done any thing wrong. All I did was let you play with me. I purr the minute I see you. I never want morning to come. With each night that passes, you get closer and closer to leaving me. Don’t you worry that someone might take me? What if I get lost and starve to death? How could you just leave me, and not care?

I know there is another cat waiting for you there. She won’t be anything like me. I am the best cat out there, and you have me. You’re just going throw me out and leave? Why??!? What on earth did I do so wrong? I look at you with sad eyes. I love you and I don’t want you to go. All I can do is show you. If cats could cry…..

The Other Woman

For so many years I was always the other woman. I was the other person; not the one they wanted to date…not the one they wanted to marry. I was ust the woman to have fun with. I never understood this. I was such a nice person. What did all these other woman have that I didn’t? So many times, the guys I liked would show up with girlfriends. I would have to watch them kiss and dance with them. I was always wondering, “What do they have I don’t?” “Why did I end up in the friend pile?” or “Why was I just the fun girl?”

It was always so sad, but I blocked it with a smile, and never let anyone know how bad it hurt. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough? I guess it was because I was still broken. I thought I was ready to love again, but my mind was not. I am outgoing and funny, and I talk to everyone, but I never talk about how I really feel.

I think that maybe my best friend, who never drinks, most likely knows more about me then most, lol. There were so many nights that I am sure she heard it all, lol. Thank God she can be trusted with secrets. I have watched so many that I had felt strong connection with, pass me by. I always reasoned, “Oh well. It was not meant to be.”

I just gave up and I figured I would be alone forever. No one can fix my broken heart. I have too many issues that I have never dealt with. I guess my mind was always still married. Once married and that’s it, you can never love again. I was just so broken. I never realized how broken I really was. I was able to just walk away with no strings attached.

Who have I become?  I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I said, “That’s it! I am broken and fat. It’s time to fix me.” That’s just what I did. I took care of me. After my boyfriend’s job ended here, he packed up and left. The night before he left, he told me I packed on some pounds and became weak. Wait! WTF! Weak?! I have heard those words before….from my ex-hubby as he was slamming me against the wall…that time with the boys right there.

I told myself I will never be that person again, yet I did. WTF!!!

So I worked on me. I started working out and took my DNA test. I went every week to get my vitamin B12 shot, and I got weighed in, and every week the scale kept going down. I became happy. I started to heal. I woke happy…like really happy! Happy to be alive. happy I had my boys. Just happy! I was excited to go work out. I really cannot express how happy I felt.

Then it happened. I became the one! He wanted to date me! He liked me! So many great things have happened to me. I wake up smiling that God gave me another day. I am so happy I can’t ever remember feeling like this. Not only because someone likes me. Because of my life the changes I made. I literally feel like my heart has healed and so has my mind.

The dark days are behind me and I never want to go back. Only wining the lottery would make me more happy. I love every day. I am happy, and really feel it. I lied for so many years saying I was happy, because I forgotten what happy really feels like.

Distracted Driving

Distracted Driving. No, I’m not talking about using your cell phone, but yeah that is a problem. I am talking about your mind distracting you. Have you ever driven somewhere and thought, “How the hell did I get here? How was I so lost in thought that I just got here. Did I stop at any red lights?”

This is what is wrong with our world, we are so busy in our heads that we don’t see anything. Some people live only 15 minutes from the ocean, and yet, they haven’t been there in years; it’s true when people say this. I am like, “WTF!” When I lived in New Hampshire. People would see mountains all day, but drive right past them and have never climbed one.

Me, on the other hand, bought a book to help me find every mountain I could climb within 4 hours from me. I climbed a mountain every weekend. Now that I live by the ocean I try to go to the beach every week; even in the winter. If I put my toes in and they don’t freeze, I jump right in, clothes and all. I live for the moment and enjoy where I am.

I live in a place where people save up all year just to visit for a week. Yet, I get caught up in life and forget where I am going. We become robots; get up, go to work, come home, relax. Yet, we live where people go on vacation.

It’s a good thing our red lights are 5 minutes long. For real. Moving from the north, I really thought the stoplights were broke. Maybe they make them take so long, so you have time to slow down and look around; take in everything. Next time your at a red light, think “Maybe I need to look around.” If your not stuck in your own mind.

What if?

Have you ever wondered what if I didn’t do something, how different would my life be? What was the reason I met this person? Is it fate? Is it just the way it was supposed to be? The night I re-met my, now ex-hubby, I wasn’t even suppose to go out. My friend called me at the last minute and asked me to join him. I remember this so clear, because I have gone over it hundred times in my head. I really didn’t want to go out at all. It was like something in me said that I had to go. I then sat out on my car for an hour, waiting for my friend to come. He was running late because he had car trouble, so it’s odd that I stayed and waited.

He was literally leaving the next week for New York. He had his orders and everything was planned. It all changed after that night.

After that night we will go on to be married for 12 years, have two kids, and many houses.

What if and why? Why did I go? Did someone have plans for us, and we don’t know it? I do not believe we meet people by accident. I believe there is a reason for everything. Sometimes we just have to figure it out…like a puzzle.

This is a story that, until now, I have only shared with close friends. I was working one night, and a guy came to work with me. I instantly felt a connection; one that I have never felt with my husband. Yes, I was still very married, and I just had my youngest he was 4 months old.

He must have felt the connection, too. He smiled at me,  and from there, it was an emotional affair. I was totally ignored by my hubby, because I had just become a wife and mother of kids. The physical and metal abuse was at its all time high.

While the boys were playing,or taking naps, I would find him online we would chat for hours. It had been so long since I felt wanted. I felt excited to go to work, and we would have dinner together. I can not explain the connection I felt with him, but as fast as I met him, it was just as fast as I lost him.

I went to sign onto the computer one day, like have for maybe 6 months. He was offline and offline he will stay. Why???? I now believe he was there to test me; to see how far I would go. Oddly, my ex knew nothing of any of this… nothing at all. But after this, I realized that I did love my husband, well, as much as I ever did. We were strong, and I felt we had busted through a wall that he never even knew was there.

I wonder are we connected to people for a reason? Who has a plan for us and what is the plan? If I never went in to that bar that night, where would I be today? Have I ever came into someones life and changed their world, without even knowing that I did?

Was I ever someones test? Have I ever changed anyone’s path? I sometimes wish I could see the world without me in it, like being able to watch it, just see how I made a difference in this crazy world.

Next time you meet someone think, “Why? Why was this person put in my life?”

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