Lost my way!

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I decided one day to take a walk on the train tracks. I was tired of streets and cars. I wanted to walk some where quiet. I just needed a break. Growing up we lived near the train tracks. We would walk for hours on them. We even had many parties down there.  I usually walk with my dogs but today I was alone. I am not sure why today I decided to walk alone.

I must of just got busy in my own head. Before I new it, hours have gone by. My tummy was getting hungry and I could see it was getting dark. No idea where I am. I am used to getting lost, pretty much been lost my whole life. I always end up finding my way one way or another. Kinda like a cat with 9 lives.

 

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Well I pull out my phone no service. Where the hell am I that there is no service? I am tired of walking so I sit down. I find some snacks in my backpack. That I was happy I had some in there. Ugh well no phone service and now its dark. I lay down for a bit try to figure out this mess I am in.

I guess I must off fell asleep because I am awoken from a train whistle. O damn I just realized where I am. I go to get up and my foot is stuck! WTF!!!

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My foot is stuck Damn It! How the hell did this happen. As I am watching the train coming. I start pleading. I am not ready yet! I just lost my way! My boys need me. I am not ready please I will pay more attention in life! I guess you really start to barging with God. My heart was beating so loud. I swear I couldn’t even hear the train. Damn it no one will believe I just got lost! Well I think about it yea they will. Damn it I can’t get my foot out!

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All of a sudden I hear familiar sound. Its my alarm! I open my eyes I am in my bed! WTF that was crazy dream. I woke happy to be alive. I didn’t care that boys left a mess last night. I was more then happy to clean it. I brought the dogs out and just sat there and let the morning sun hit me in my face. My heart was still beating super fast. I thanked God for today and every day. I guess some times you just have to lose your way. To realize what is important to you.

 

 

 

 

The Rain

I was standing there, in the rain, with tears running down my face. I was hoping noone could see them. I was hoping the rain would hide how much pain I felt. My heart hurt, but I did love the storm. I had fun waiting for the storm, but it hit too soon; I usually know when the storm is about to hit. I guess I was just having so much fun, that I forgot to shut the windows.

This storm was different. It was quick but violent. It took out a ton of trees and did so much damage to everything. I usually like to dance in the storms and play in the rain; but not this one. 

This one caused so much damage that I just started to cry. WTF! I am that weak person again. And just like after every other storm, there comes the clean up. I am too tired to clean up after this one, so I just lay down and sleep.

I wake up to feeling the pain again, of what the storm did. The sun is shining now but my eyes are still raining.

I will wake up in the morning and the sun will be shining. I will be happy because God gave me another day. Tomorrow I will feel blessed and happy, but tonight I will cry myself to sleep about the storm. I will walk this earth waiting for the next storm. This time I won’t be weak. I will enjoy the storms and smile in the rain. But I’m not sure how many more storms I can see like this one; it did a lot of damage.

It’s like the song blame it on the rain…

…Rain don’t mind…

The Other Woman

For so many years I was always the other woman. I was the other person; not the one they wanted to date…not the one they wanted to marry. I was ust the woman to have fun with. I never understood this. I was such a nice person. What did all these other woman have that I didn’t? So many times, the guys I liked would show up with girlfriends. I would have to watch them kiss and dance with them. I was always wondering, “What do they have I don’t?” “Why did I end up in the friend pile?” or “Why was I just the fun girl?”

It was always so sad, but I blocked it with a smile, and never let anyone know how bad it hurt. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough? I guess it was because I was still broken. I thought I was ready to love again, but my mind was not. I am outgoing and funny, and I talk to everyone, but I never talk about how I really feel.

I think that maybe my best friend, who never drinks, most likely knows more about me then most, lol. There were so many nights that I am sure she heard it all, lol. Thank God she can be trusted with secrets. I have watched so many that I had felt strong connection with, pass me by. I always reasoned, “Oh well. It was not meant to be.”

I just gave up and I figured I would be alone forever. No one can fix my broken heart. I have too many issues that I have never dealt with. I guess my mind was always still married. Once married and that’s it, you can never love again. I was just so broken. I never realized how broken I really was. I was able to just walk away with no strings attached.

Who have I become?  I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I said, “That’s it! I am broken and fat. It’s time to fix me.” That’s just what I did. I took care of me. After my boyfriend’s job ended here, he packed up and left. The night before he left, he told me I packed on some pounds and became weak. Wait! WTF! Weak?! I have heard those words before….from my ex-hubby as he was slamming me against the wall…that time with the boys right there.

I told myself I will never be that person again, yet I did. WTF!!!

So I worked on me. I started working out and took my DNA test. I went every week to get my vitamin B12 shot, and I got weighed in, and every week the scale kept going down. I became happy. I started to heal. I woke happy…like really happy! Happy to be alive. happy I had my boys. Just happy! I was excited to go work out. I really cannot express how happy I felt.

Then it happened. I became the one! He wanted to date me! He liked me! So many great things have happened to me. I wake up smiling that God gave me another day. I am so happy I can’t ever remember feeling like this. Not only because someone likes me. Because of my life the changes I made. I literally feel like my heart has healed and so has my mind.

The dark days are behind me and I never want to go back. Only wining the lottery would make me more happy. I love every day. I am happy, and really feel it. I lied for so many years saying I was happy, because I forgotten what happy really feels like.

My Heart

I told my heart to never love again. Nope. Never. If only it was that easy. How can you control your heart? I can not change it when it happens.

When you feel it, there is no stopping it. You can say, “Nope!” all day; “It’s not true!” when you feel it. The feeling is real. The love is there. When I am happy I want to tell you. When I am sad I want to tell you. I think about you all the time. The feeling is there and I just can’t stop my heart. I know the feeling is not received. That is ok. When I lay in your arms I feel safe. My heart feels healed. I just want to lay in your arms forever. It’s too soon to feel so safe. I just feel complete with you. I feel there are secrets that lie between us. When I am with you, they all disappear. The world just goes away and just you and I.

I have never felt this way before; safe and happy. The connection between us is so powerful that others have seen it for years. When I with you, I feel like nothing matters but us. I know you feel the power we have. I am at peace with you. I act tough like I don’t care, but I do. You have made me weak again. My heart has opened up. I can’t just close it.

Our future dreams are different and thought of you leaving me haunts me in my dreams. I tell my heart, “Do not love again!” but it won’t listen this time.

I remind my heart of the last loss we had and how it hurt so bad. I flash back to that scared girl crying on the floor, being left with nothing. Then I remember I became so strong after that.

I don’t know how much fight I have left in me and how many times my heart can get hurt. I must live for the moment, and not the future. Don’t worry what you can’t change. Enjoy what you have. Don’t cry about what might be

You know the saying, “Dance like there’s nobody watching, love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like there’s nobody listening”? If I had tattoo, that’s what it would be!