The other woman

So women always fear “the other woman.”  What happens if you were always the “other woman.” I somehow have fallen into this role most of my life. I became the person people hate. “The other woman.” I’m really not sure why or when it started.  I have been single on my own for so long. I really don’t even remember how it feels to have a partner—someone to share your life with. I must give out that vibe. I’m the fun girl, not the girl they chose long-term. Oddly was like before marriage. I was married for 12 long years. Then I was set free! I fell right back into my role. Always single. Do I like being the other woman? It’s not like I set out looking to be. I guess I kind of like the fact they will never get attached. I still have the freedom to do what I want.

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Maybe it’s the thrill of it. I’m not really sure. I do know why I never trust anyone. I tried finding Mr. Right, but my Mr. Right was someone else’s. That seemed to be the theme of my life. I gave in and decided just go with it. For most of my life, I am just single. Do I fear I will be forever? Yes, for sure. How will life change if it has yet to this far? Will I always be “the other woman”? Or will I find a guy who chooses me? Someone who will see all the love I have to give. Who will see past the damaged heart? Someone who helps me change the path of destruction that I am on. I guess we shall see, but for now, I will continue to live free!

The ocean

I wish life was as simple as the ocean. With every wave it erases everything. I wrote my name in the sand. Then a wave came and washed it away. You ever make a mistake and wish the wave would just erase it? I have done things in my life I am not proud of. It would take a flood to ease some of them.

Have you ever been in the ocean and have the waves beat you down. You try to stand and they just keeping knocking you down. That sums up my life. Some times there is a calm in ocean. I can stand freely and feel safe. Knowing at any point a big wave may come and knock me over.

No matter how many times the waves knock me over. I still try to stand back up. I no if I keep standing that eventually they will calm down again.

It’s when the big waves come and knock you down. You don’t try to stand back up is when there is a problem. If you stop fighting the waves. The ocean will win. It will take you away and you will be washed away.

You may feel like that is the best plan. It’s not! The ocean wants you to fight! Even though the ocean will never erase your mistakes. If the ocean is to rough just stand out and watch it for awhile. Let the waves pound the earth. Until your ready to deal with it.

Eventually you will be strong enough to handle even the big waves. Don’t fight so hard on the small waves save your energy for the big ones.

The best thing there are always people fighting the same waves. Some times it can make it easier to fight them together instead of alone.

Today I don’t feel like fighting the waves. Today I am just going to sit and watch them. Knowing I can’t always just sit and watch. I will have to get in and fight the waves. Hopefully there isn’t any big storms coming. So I can just relax and enjoy the the little waves for now………

The Rain

I was standing there, in the rain, with tears running down my face. I was hoping noone could see them. I was hoping the rain would hide how much pain I felt. My heart hurt, but I did love the storm. I had fun waiting for the storm, but it hit too soon; I usually know when the storm is about to hit. I guess I was just having so much fun, that I forgot to shut the windows.

This storm was different. It was quick but violent. It took out a ton of trees and did so much damage to everything. I usually like to dance in the storms and play in the rain; but not this one. 

This one caused so much damage that I just started to cry. WTF! I am that weak person again. And just like after every other storm, there comes the clean up. I am too tired to clean up after this one, so I just lay down and sleep.

I wake up to feeling the pain again, of what the storm did. The sun is shining now but my eyes are still raining.

I will wake up in the morning and the sun will be shining. I will be happy because God gave me another day. Tomorrow I will feel blessed and happy, but tonight I will cry myself to sleep about the storm. I will walk this earth waiting for the next storm. This time I won’t be weak. I will enjoy the storms and smile in the rain. But I’m not sure how many more storms I can see like this one; it did a lot of damage.

It’s like the song blame it on the rain…

…Rain don’t mind…

Learning disability

Living with a learning disability is so hard. I was often called “Stupid” from peers and boyfriends; worse yet, my husband. When I was much younger I had speech problems. People who know me now, are like “Really?” Yes. I could not say bird, or board, or purple and lots of other words. My sister often talked for me. I can remember being very irritated. I remember thinking, “Why can’t they understand me?” I would wait for my sister to fix what I was saying. I remember going to speech class in school. I was so happy that finally someone would help. I’m not just speaking for me. I also suffered from another learning disability that was not found until later in life. I remember getting sent to summer school every year. I was so sad, and I tried so hard, yet I had failed once again. I remember getting that letter; it meant I had failed.

I tried so hard but I just could not write, or read the way I was suppose to. I remember getting put into Spanish class. I was like, “WTF?! I can barely pass English.” I failed of course. Then I was tested and when I came back in 9th grade,  my reading level was that of a 6th grader.

Then the label came of a disability, and I was put in a “special ” English class. All my friends would pick on me, daily. That is most likely why I would find things to make the pain go away. I will talk about that in another blog. I was told, “Don’t bother taking SATS. You will just fail.” I was told, “Don’t even try college. You will never make it.” Well that sucks. There was no real help for my disability just a teacher that would “help” me….just like with my sister who would speak for me.

To this day, I can’t even post this blog until it’s proof read, and “fixed.” Otherwise, it would not be readable. I have taken tests to get a job that would change my life. I would fail like always. When I got my results, I would always hear my ex-husband say, “Your a loser and you have nothing. You will never have a career or money. You are too dumb to do anything.” I always figured that God had a plan for me.  He must. He sent me my husband, I thought.

I would be the loving wife, and then God sent me two great boys. I figured that was the plan He had for me. I was brought up with the belief that you stay married, no matter what.

No matter how bad it got, I stayed. This was the way life was, right?

Wrong! I guess God had other plans. He must have known that I was stronger then I ever thought I was. Thank God that even with a learning disability, I was smart enough to survive.

My life has never been easy. Never. Every day is a struggle. Even writing this blog is hard.

So the next time you meet someone with a disability don’t ever feel sorry for them. Don’t talk for them, and they don’t need your help. Just respect them and realize that there life is so much harder then yours. Be grateful for life and what God has given you. I believe he has a plan for everyone. He just made me realize that even though I have this disability I am still very strong.