Fallen

They say cats always land on their feet. This time I don’t think so. I can’t get the strength to get back up. They say it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up. I’ve lost that power and am unsure if I will ever find it again. The simple words are you ok? The answer is no. I’m not ok at all. No one knows what to say to that. As if they expect you to say yes. There are about 7 billion people in this world, and I have found ones who really don’t give a shit. I always knew of the dangers, but I never thought they would hit me as they did. The ones I always thought would be there can’t be. I am entirely alone in this fight.

I’m sad, I’m scared, and I’m all alone. I want to be held and told it would be ok. Even though I know, it won’t be. What do you do when the only ones that can help you back up are the ones that broke you? I have no one to run to. I am truly alone! I’m just going to sit here and cry.

   I came to you broken, and you turned me away. I have fallen so hard I can’t get back up. You shut the door on me. I did nothing to deserve this except trust the wrong person. I didn’t even realize I could hurt so much. Are you ok? The word no meant nothing to you.

I’m just another kitty to you. Why I thought I was special, I don’t know. I never ask for anything. Tonight I needed you. You left me crying, unable to stand. I realize there is nothing you can do. I didn’t require you to fix me. I just needed you to hold me. That was too much to ask. My world has fallen apart. I laid down and prayed for the sun to come up. Unfortunately, nothing changed. This pain isn’t going away. How are 7 billion people in this world, and I am alone? No one seems to care that I am lost kitty with no one. I guess I’m not lost because no one is looking for me. This journey I’m on isn’t fun anymore.

  It’s raining and storming even though the sun is out. I can not see it threw all the darkness. I’m just going to lay here till the storm passes. I have no idea when that will be. How do you solve something that can’t be solved? How do you fix something that can’t be fixed? How do you see the light threw the darkness? How do I fight this fight alone? How do you fight demons you can’t see? How do you reach for help when no one can help?

This is a long dark journey ahead. I have to find the strength to get threw it. Choices were made. This will not be easy. I will fight till the end. God, please give me the strength to handle this.

What kind of cat?

What kind of cat do you want to be? You want to be that cat that sits inside and looks at all the crazy things outside? Do you want to be out chasing all the crazy things? I always thought I wanted to be the cat inside looking at all the crazy. Somehow I got out. Once I started chasing all the crazy stuff. I couldn’t stop! I’ve been out here so long I have forgotten what inside looks like. How it feels just to sit and watch.

I am so tired of chasing things. I see all these cats looking at me threw the widows. I wonder, are they jealous? Well, I am jealous of them. I want to be inside looking out. I want a nice safe place to stay. I’m tired of chasing and running and looking for stuff. I want to be inside, safe from all the crazy. I want someone to bring me food. I want someone to cuddle me at night. I wonder if these cats inside even understand how good they have it. Then you have the perfect cat. The ones that go out and chase all day but have to go back in and get all the inside benefits. They get the best of both worlds.

I was not that lucky to get that life. I was blessed with the energy of struggles. I was always chasing and running from what I had no idea anymore. I hang out with all the Kitty’s that all go home at the end of the day. They stay and play and chase with me. Then they all leave. Until the next day, they will be back. They have no idea how good they have it.

Will you be that cat that travels threw this life alone? Will you be that cat who has someone forever? I’m getting old being out here alone. Chasing gets more challenging every day. So, before you answer, what kind of cat do you want to be? Remember, it could be forever…..

Hit by the blue lights

Now depending on what neighborhood your in your age,sex,and race. Being stopped my the police can be very different. I have had to deal with the police many times in my life. I have been treated very differently. When I lived in New Hampshire and lived in nice area. There approach would be way different. Now I live in what I like to call the “hood”. I have to learn the law and my rights . I have 2 boys in the teenage years. I have had to go toe to toe with police on many occasions.

The worst run in with the police was a little over a year ago. My youngest got caught taking something. It’s a long story he really didn’t know he was stealing. He actually had the money to buy it. Long story short they called me to come get him. They continued to judge me on where I lived. They wanted to hit my son with a felony. A child who has a higher IQ then every one in that room. Not caring about ruining a kids future. I freaked out and I was right! No charges! The cops literally looked upset that they could not ruin this kids future. WTF!!! When did this become a thing. When did they want to ruin any child to succeed in life. I have literally seen my boys on the ground being searched. I just happen to pull up. My 15 year old searched and thrown on the ground! WTF!!!!

It’s a power struggle. They make it that you never want to call them. This world is going crazy right now. I live in the hood. While every one was worried about TP. I was buying guns and ammo. No one in the hood will be calling the police. Stay safe every one! Make sure you hoard the right shit! 

Bad decisions

Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. 

Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while.  Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.

They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. 

Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

The ocean

I wish life was as simple as the ocean. With every wave it erases everything. I wrote my name in the sand. Then a wave came and washed it away. You ever make a mistake and wish the wave would just erase it? I have done things in my life I am not proud of. It would take a flood to ease some of them.

Have you ever been in the ocean and have the waves beat you down. You try to stand and they just keeping knocking you down. That sums up my life. Some times there is a calm in ocean. I can stand freely and feel safe. Knowing at any point a big wave may come and knock me over.

No matter how many times the waves knock me over. I still try to stand back up. I no if I keep standing that eventually they will calm down again.

It’s when the big waves come and knock you down. You don’t try to stand back up is when there is a problem. If you stop fighting the waves. The ocean will win. It will take you away and you will be washed away.

You may feel like that is the best plan. It’s not! The ocean wants you to fight! Even though the ocean will never erase your mistakes. If the ocean is to rough just stand out and watch it for awhile. Let the waves pound the earth. Until your ready to deal with it.

Eventually you will be strong enough to handle even the big waves. Don’t fight so hard on the small waves save your energy for the big ones.

The best thing there are always people fighting the same waves. Some times it can make it easier to fight them together instead of alone.

Today I don’t feel like fighting the waves. Today I am just going to sit and watch them. Knowing I can’t always just sit and watch. I will have to get in and fight the waves. Hopefully there isn’t any big storms coming. So I can just relax and enjoy the the little waves for now………

When cats dream

I love to sleep! It’s when every thing is good. When I sleep you are here with me. We are back in our house and happy. I can even smell you in my sleep. I don’t need for anything. I have every thing I need. I get to lay on that great bed. I can feel you laying next to me.

Then I get woken by another furry thing that barks. So annoying, Not sure why humans like them so much. They are so needy. Maybe that’s what I need to be more needy. There are tons of kittys out here. You don’t see very many dogs. Now this thing wakes me up out of my happy place. Now I have to run because its now chasing me. I run up a big tree. He can’t climb so I am safe. I find a branch and off to sleep I go……

This time my dream is not good. I am searching for you. I can’t find you. You left me again! I can’t even have a good dream any more. I have a hard time remembering you. Soon I will forget your voice then your smell. My dreams won’t be happy any more. I don’t no how long you have been gone. I do no I want to find you. No one can take care of me like you.

Our time was cut short. You just left me one day. Until I can see you again I just hope to see you when I sleep. I hope I never forget you. The only time I feel happy is when I dream……

Why a Tom cat?

I met up with my “Tom” cat. I asked him why do you like being a “Tom” cat? He said well I don’t make a good house cat soooo. I asked what makes a good house cat? He says well for starters you have to like to be stuck in one house for years. I said well I get that but don’t you get tired of having to search for everything? He then said no because if I wanted everything handed to me I would be a house cat.

I asked him don’t you get lonely out here all by yourself. He said I am not alone very often there lots of out here. Some not so nice and some are too nice. He went on to tell me he wasn’t always a “Tom” cat. I had home once humans that fed me. I had a nice warm bed that slept in. Then one day I went out to play. I guess I lost my way. I tried to find them but I never did.

I went hungry for bit. I had no idea what to do with out my humans. I missed them a lot but I guess they never looked for me.

So then the chase began. I had to chase my meals,warmth and any thing else I wanted. I learned real quick the big things on the road stay away! Also the kitty police with a net. Run!!!!I have lost a lot of friends to both.

I went on to ask him did you ever try to find another house to stay in? He said no I guess I was a one house kinda kitty. I had it once so at least I can say I had it. There lots of kitty’s out here who have never been in house.

The world is our house. We are free to go any where. There is always food somewhere. You can always find a nice warm place to stay. When you stop trying to find the perfect house to live in. You will learn to enjoy the freedom.

Sorry kitty I gotta go. I have been here with you to long. Then the “tom’ cat ran off. I will see him in a few weeks maybe….

Why did you leave?

I loved that you had been home with me. I was able to cuddle with you all day. You didn’t seem happy. You sensed sad. I tried everything I new how to do. You told me every day how much you loved me. You always said it was so unfair that I could not live as long as you. But yet I am still here and I can’t find you. Where did you go? Why can’t I find you. Why is some one else sleeping in your spot?

I got so happy I saw some one sleeping in your spot. I thought you had come back for me. I then realized it was not you. I can still smell your sent here on your things. I no you wouldn’t just leave me. You have always had me with you. Even when you moved me in to a new home. I was ok because I had you.

This nice man feeds me when I demand to be fed. I still search for you. I think this man knows where you are. He gets sad when I cry and jump on your side of the bed.

I do all kinds of bad stuff hoping you will come back and yell at me. No matter what I do you don’t come back. Why would you leave me? I no you left me with this nice guy. He isn’t you. I want you to pet me. I want you to cuddle with me. I have no idea who this other person is. She isn’t you!!!! This is the longest I have been away from you. I no I am getting old. What happens if I never see you again? I forget every day your still not here. I wake up searching for you. Every day I my heart breaks again and again.

Play Kitty

I never realized how much I love to play. I just love to play with everything. I just don’t like to be played with. I want to play on my terms. When you play with me and I get happy, then you just stop, I might bite you.

I don’t mean any harm, I just want your attention. I want you to realize that playing with me might be fun. You should just leave me alone until I am ready to play again.

I am so happy you got to have fun with me when I was just a kitten. Now that I am older I don’t like to play as much. I am so glad I got to entertain you. I know at some point I made you happy. You still love me, but I am just not that fun anymore.

I worry at some point if you will go find a new kitten to play with. I just hope you don’t get rid of me. I am glad I got you through a rough time in life. It just seems like you need something else. I try to play more, and try to love you more. You just seems like you don’t want to play with me anymore. Maybe it’s better if I just run away. That way you won’t have to worry about me anymore. I don’t want to stay with someone who wants something else. I didn’t realize you wanted just to play with me for a short time. I didn’t realize you just wanted to play.

I will go away now. Don’t worry about me. I will see who else wants to play with me.

Don’t look for me. I don’t want to play anymore. Not now not for awhile.

I cut my paw on some glass you broke. So it hurts when I play right now. I am sure in time my paw will heal. I will go on and play, in time. I hope you find your forever kitten that loves to play. I am sorry I could not be your forever kitty…….