One stormy night

  The day had turned into night. There was a storm coming. I could hear that loud noise in the sky. I knew what was coming next. The water will fall. Now I have been threw a lot of storms since you left me out here. Tonight was different. I was offered a nice warm place to stay.

This lovely man said what are you doing out this storm? I will take you in just for the night. He gave me something to eat and drink. He let me sleep on the bed. At first, I didn’t want to get too close, so I slept at the end of the bed. The ball was in the sky. The storm had passed. Out I went. For some reason, I kept thinking about that lovely place and wishing I could return. Then one night, I was out walking. I see him again. He says hey kitty, sleep inside tonight. I was confused. It’s not stormy. Was he out here looking for me?

He says no one can no you here, so if you see anyone hide. I have been hiding and running for three years, so that was no problem. Still totally confused about why I am here—not going to complain about the excellent food, a nice cool place to stay. This time I slept a little closer. Just like before, the morning came, and out I went. This time I didn’t roam very far just in case, he wanted me back. This felt different than anyone else who has let me in. He didn’t try to keep me. He made sure I was taken care of and let me go.

Every few nights, he would find me again and take me in. I am still confused about what to think. He never leaves food or water for me. I am not going to complain. I get out of the heat and get food, and he gives me lovely kisses. He talks to me and never tries to keep me. It seems like a perfect situation. Good things never last so going to make the most of it.

One night he came out for me. I, of course, never went too far in case he came for me. Duplicate all the other nights. Now oddly, at this point, I would usually be looking for a way out. Not this time. Maybe because he didn’t care if I left or stayed. Morning came, but this time, he said you could stay and hang with him today. Loung around all-day and not deal with the heat and search for food. Sounds great! Night came, and now I wanted out! I wanted to make sure I could still get out. He said ok kitty you can go see you soon.

Not sure how long it was, but it had been a while, and he had not come to get me. I was sad. I figured he decided not to break his rules of no kitties. Then one night, I showed up and just sat there. He came out and said come on in, kitty. He told me he had been busy. I was just happy to sleep in a bed tonight!

I have been able to hang inside all day a few times and many nights and still confused about where I belong. I’m pretty sure if I went away, he would not look for me. I’m not sure if he would even miss me. For right now, I have a safe place from storms……..

I know better!!

I know better don’t fall for a Tom cat! This tom cat is so much different then all the others. They usually run away fast. They never usually return. You always return.

The most kindest Tom cat I have ever met. You seem to find me where ever I show up. You always tell me find your self a good Tom cat. I don’t need any others just you. I think of you often. I know you are busy with a another kitty. You only stray when you can. I do realize that every time you are let out. You always find me! I do realize there are so many others you could be with.

Your on a different level of just the normal Tom cat. You have hung out with all my kitty friends. They have hard time understanding our situation. Some one left open the door. So he ran out. She always comes looking for her kitty. He is only aloud out for a awhile. In the short about of time we get I enjoy. I know you enjoy the time with me.

We are prefect for each other. My heart belongs to someone I can’t have. He belongs to some one who he needs to take care of him. Some how in this crazy world and situation we find each other. Until my heart can reconnect with whom it belongs to. I will keep playing the Tom cat games.

What do you do for a living?

The question I hate most of all! Why does it matter what I do for a living? Let me back up for a minute.

First of all I am not career kinda person. I never have been nor will I be. Why in this world do woman need to get married have kids make a living. Just to fit in this Society. Well I fell for this crap got married had 2 great boys. Had it all even the stupid white picket fence. I was living the American dream right?

Wrong! I was in silent hell! Stuck with bills we couldn’t pay a horrible marriage. I did everything right I followed all of society’s rules. So why did I feel like I was in hell every day?

I was often told go back to school. Why??? I hate school. Get a career. Why?? Why must every one follow theses rules. 

I broke all the rules! I got divorced. I moved 12 hours away from everyone. Just the boys and I. Here we go again must get a job. I call it a job because I hate going there. They pay me and I go home. So what do I do for a living…..I work.

Today I really broke all the rules. I no longer work. So dating is fun lol. Line 2 every time so what do you do for a living? Why does it matter? I stand at corner and beg for money. Lol! I don’t really just always thought that would be funny to say lol. I am not asking you for money or to support me. Society says we must have life figured out and have a career by now. Well guess what I don’t! How I make a living has nothing to do with who I am. 

You will never know me

Who am I? No one will really ever no that. I am mom,worker, and a friend

None of them the same ever. I have different worlds all in one. I don’t think any one really knows me. The only person is me and only me. I can be who you need me to me at the moment. I can be happy Julie. I can be mean Julie. I can be fun Julie. I can be pissed off Julie.

I can be who you need me to be at the moment. That’s how I feel about my life. I never know who I am really. I can be who you need for the time. At times when I should feel happy. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. I feel like I don’t belong. It’s been a very long time since I felt complete. When I am in one place I feel like I should be some where else.

I would love to wake up one day not wanting to be some where else. Feeling like I belong where I am. Until I figure out my life this will be how it is. This stems from a years! When I was married being house wife and mom. I felt like I needed to be some where else.

Then I was left to be a single mom. The world was wide open. I was free finally! Was I happy?? Did I finally belong? No I don’t think I did. I still felt like I needed something else.

So I moved to a new city where I new no one! I needed that. It was good for a while I felt happy and complete. Now I am back to feeling like I need something else. I wake up feeling like I don’t belong here. Where do I belong? Where do I need to be? I hope to figure this out soon. Till then who am I ? I am who you need me to be at the moment….

Bad decisions

Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. 

Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while.  Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.

They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. 

Cold kitty

O damn it’s that time a year ago! It’s dark way too early. Its cold at night brrrr. I still haven’t found my forever home. I haven’t even been able to find a temporary house. All I want is to be cuddled up at the foot of your bed. I miss how grumpy you would get when I beg for food “to early ” .

Where are you?? You said you were going some where that it’s always warm. You told me I would not be welcome there. How do I find you? I didn’t realize how much I would miss you. Yes I miss the good food. I miss the warm house. No one pets me like you did. I wonder if you miss me. Did you find a another kitty over there?

This place is full of “Tom” cats. I am so over messing with them. I need to find a home and quick.

I find the place where you last were. The place is still empty. I go in walk around. It’s just a empty house with out you. I found a towel it smells like you. I will just lay here. I must of fallen asleep because I dreamt of you. I was so happy I didn’t want to wake up.

I hear a little person say mom this house has a cat. O hell no!!! I am way to old to deal with a little person. They have way to much energy and they are loud. I try to run but I am not as fast as her.

I hear the mom say don’t touch it. The cat might have bugs or a disease. “Well that was rude I think to my self”. Don’t judge me! You have no idea how I feel. O wait she is reading the note you left. She has tears running down her face. She says kitty I am so sorry you got left here. Let me feed you and get you some where warm.

Wait!!!! Get me some where warm???? O shit kitty jail!!! This time I don’t have you to get me out. No one wants an old grumpy cat. I ran so fast out that door. I didn’t care if I had to freeze and starve. Hell no I am not ready to give up yet!!! So yet another cold night out here alone……….

Lost???

I get lost every where! Or do I?? I never take the same way I came. When I climb a mountain or go for a walk in the woods. I never want to go the same way. This is true no matter what. Even going to work , I go one way there and different way home. I have been doing this my whole life. I guess I never realized this till lately. I alway end up lost. I once got so lost. I could not find my way for 5 hours. I had to have my ex hubby then hubby track me down the mountain.

Any one who knows me knows how distracted I get. I can lose my way from time to time. My life is more about about the adventure then the destination. I like to take the fun way.

I have actually found some really cool stuff be lost. One time the boys and I got lost in Vermont after climbing a mountain. Had no service to gps our are selves home. Of course I got lost! We found a homemade ice cram place. Then we found a river and covered bridge. The boys and dog got to go swimming. It was one of my favorite days. My ex husband was more about the destination then adventure.

I need some one who wants to get lost with me. I want some one taking the adventure with me instead of finding me.

Where are you???

You have me searching all over this town for you. Where are you?? Are you hurt some where??? I try calling you no answer. I text nothing…

O wait you have just been ghosted! Why do people think this ok? When did this become a normal thing. When did a break up text become a thing. What is wrong with people!? I can’t under stand. Do people ever grow up?? Am I going to be playing these stupid games in my 60″s?? Dear lord I hope not!

There is gotta to be a better way. I am so tired of dating. Ugh!!! My friends say then don’t date. Well what other options do I have? I don’t want to be alone forever. Dating is like gardening you have to weed out all the bad stuff. I don’t have time to garden. I just want the good stuff.

After another bad date or getting ghosted. I become to hate my ex husband. I should not be dealing with this shit in my 40″s. Then I think of all the fun I have. I get less angry at him. I mean the last 9 years I have done more then I did when I was with him. So really I should thank him in some ways.

My real question is do men ever grow up??? Do they ever stop the games? I mean really why ghost some one? Just say what you want! We are all adults and we can handle it.

Have I ever been the one that ghosted some one? I am guilty of it too. Not sure why I do it. I guess it’s easier to hit block. Then say your to old, weird, short,needy, and best of all boring. I hate being mean to people. I never want to hurt any one.

Have I become a serial dater? God I hope not. Maybe I should start drinking coffee lol. What am I looking for?? I hate this question. I want to say I have no idea. I really don’t but when I find it I will let you no.

I wish there was an app to build the perfect guy. Like mr potato head. Wouldn’t that be great!

I don’t drink coffee!

Apparently I must now add that to my online profile. The list is long. The things I like todo with a list of things I don’t like. I now cut and paste my profile. Ugh online dating in your 40s sucks!!!!

If people could just be honest on what they want it would be a lot easier. You would think that men in there 40s and 50s would be out of the hook up stage. Wrong!!! Worse they lie about it.

For the longest I just removed myself from all sites. I gave up I did a year or longer single. It was great. After awhile it gets lonely and boring. I go back on there . I find the same bs games as before. I then pull myself back off. Ugh!!!!

I am like screw it if games is what they want to play. Then damnit let’s play! I will sit threw horrible dates praying that lunch or dinner is over. You want to meet for coffee??? Wtf when did that become a thing. Why don’t we go to McDonald’s drive threw? Then right to your house? Has it really came to this. A man can’t even buy you a meal any more? I feel like telling them no let’s meet for water. Then at no point do I owe you anything at all.

I can spot a serial dater that’s what my friend calls them lol. They say let’s meet for coffee. Serial dater doesn’t want to keep wasting money on meals. I once had a guy say you can come to my house and cook for me . Wtf should I be barefoot and pregnant too.

The drop off that pisses me off more then anything. For no reason they just stop responding. No reason nothing just ghosted. Then some times they will send a random text like 4 months later really???? Like wtf um no. One of my blogs will be 50 worst dates. I will do 10 on each. They are all true even though you won’t believe how bad they are.

This is one thing I hate my friends have also complained about this. They lie about how tall you they are. Like really dude if we meet you we will no your not 5″9. What do you think? Your going to win us over with your great personality. Right off the bat we no your a lier. If this a “coffee” date that would be worse!

Play Kitty

I never realized how much I love to play. I just love to play with everything. I just don’t like to be played with. I want to play on my terms. When you play with me and I get happy, then you just stop, I might bite you.

I don’t mean any harm, I just want your attention. I want you to realize that playing with me might be fun. You should just leave me alone until I am ready to play again.

I am so happy you got to have fun with me when I was just a kitten. Now that I am older I don’t like to play as much. I am so glad I got to entertain you. I know at some point I made you happy. You still love me, but I am just not that fun anymore.

I worry at some point if you will go find a new kitten to play with. I just hope you don’t get rid of me. I am glad I got you through a rough time in life. It just seems like you need something else. I try to play more, and try to love you more. You just seems like you don’t want to play with me anymore. Maybe it’s better if I just run away. That way you won’t have to worry about me anymore. I don’t want to stay with someone who wants something else. I didn’t realize you wanted just to play with me for a short time. I didn’t realize you just wanted to play.

I will go away now. Don’t worry about me. I will see who else wants to play with me.

Don’t look for me. I don’t want to play anymore. Not now not for awhile.

I cut my paw on some glass you broke. So it hurts when I play right now. I am sure in time my paw will heal. I will go on and play, in time. I hope you find your forever kitten that loves to play. I am sorry I could not be your forever kitty…….