Fallen

They say cats always land on their feet. This time I don’t think so. I can’t get the strength to get back up. They say it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up. I’ve lost that power and am unsure if I will ever find it again. The simple words are you ok? The answer is no. I’m not ok at all. No one knows what to say to that. As if they expect you to say yes. There are about 7 billion people in this world, and I have found ones who really don’t give a shit. I always knew of the dangers, but I never thought they would hit me as they did. The ones I always thought would be there can’t be. I am entirely alone in this fight.

I’m sad, I’m scared, and I’m all alone. I want to be held and told it would be ok. Even though I know, it won’t be. What do you do when the only ones that can help you back up are the ones that broke you? I have no one to run to. I am truly alone! I’m just going to sit here and cry.

   I came to you broken, and you turned me away. I have fallen so hard I can’t get back up. You shut the door on me. I did nothing to deserve this except trust the wrong person. I didn’t even realize I could hurt so much. Are you ok? The word no meant nothing to you.

I’m just another kitty to you. Why I thought I was special, I don’t know. I never ask for anything. Tonight I needed you. You left me crying, unable to stand. I realize there is nothing you can do. I didn’t require you to fix me. I just needed you to hold me. That was too much to ask. My world has fallen apart. I laid down and prayed for the sun to come up. Unfortunately, nothing changed. This pain isn’t going away. How are 7 billion people in this world, and I am alone? No one seems to care that I am lost kitty with no one. I guess I’m not lost because no one is looking for me. This journey I’m on isn’t fun anymore.

  It’s raining and storming even though the sun is out. I can not see it threw all the darkness. I’m just going to lay here till the storm passes. I have no idea when that will be. How do you solve something that can’t be solved? How do you fix something that can’t be fixed? How do you see the light threw the darkness? How do I fight this fight alone? How do you fight demons you can’t see? How do you reach for help when no one can help?

This is a long dark journey ahead. I have to find the strength to get threw it. Choices were made. This will not be easy. I will fight till the end. God, please give me the strength to handle this.

Beyond sad

We woke up today to the worse news ever. You decided to leave this world to soon—so many questions. We will never understand why. Your decision will impact so many people for the rest of there lives. My son lost his best friend today. Why? You had your whole life in front of you. We never realized the pain you felt. The news of your passing has rocked all of us. You had so many people who would have helped. The pain I feel is for my sons. You have changed their lives forever.

You were always so caring. You always looked out for everyone. How could you just leave and not care? What it would do to everyone.

My son’s life will be changed forever. The loss of you will always stay with him. I can’t fix his pain. I can’t explain what I don’t understand. I hope to see my son be able to smile again. If I could take his pain away, I would.

Suicide is the most selfish thing. I can never understand it. Nothing can ever be that bad. I pray for my boys. I hope they can recover from this. Nothing will ever be the same. They will have to move on in life with the new standard, so many questions with no answers.

You will truly be missed. I pray for all of your family. I pray for all the ones you left behind.

You were only here for a short 19 years. At that time you helped a lot of people. You changed my son’s life. He will forever remember you.

When cats dream

I love to sleep! It’s when every thing is good. When I sleep you are here with me. We are back in our house and happy. I can even smell you in my sleep. I don’t need for anything. I have every thing I need. I get to lay on that great bed. I can feel you laying next to me.

Then I get woken by another furry thing that barks. So annoying, Not sure why humans like them so much. They are so needy. Maybe that’s what I need to be more needy. There are tons of kittys out here. You don’t see very many dogs. Now this thing wakes me up out of my happy place. Now I have to run because its now chasing me. I run up a big tree. He can’t climb so I am safe. I find a branch and off to sleep I go……

This time my dream is not good. I am searching for you. I can’t find you. You left me again! I can’t even have a good dream any more. I have a hard time remembering you. Soon I will forget your voice then your smell. My dreams won’t be happy any more. I don’t no how long you have been gone. I do no I want to find you. No one can take care of me like you.

Our time was cut short. You just left me one day. Until I can see you again I just hope to see you when I sleep. I hope I never forget you. The only time I feel happy is when I dream……

Why did you leave?

I loved that you had been home with me. I was able to cuddle with you all day. You didn’t seem happy. You sensed sad. I tried everything I new how to do. You told me every day how much you loved me. You always said it was so unfair that I could not live as long as you. But yet I am still here and I can’t find you. Where did you go? Why can’t I find you. Why is some one else sleeping in your spot?

I got so happy I saw some one sleeping in your spot. I thought you had come back for me. I then realized it was not you. I can still smell your sent here on your things. I no you wouldn’t just leave me. You have always had me with you. Even when you moved me in to a new home. I was ok because I had you.

This nice man feeds me when I demand to be fed. I still search for you. I think this man knows where you are. He gets sad when I cry and jump on your side of the bed.

I do all kinds of bad stuff hoping you will come back and yell at me. No matter what I do you don’t come back. Why would you leave me? I no you left me with this nice guy. He isn’t you. I want you to pet me. I want you to cuddle with me. I have no idea who this other person is. She isn’t you!!!! This is the longest I have been away from you. I no I am getting old. What happens if I never see you again? I forget every day your still not here. I wake up searching for you. Every day I my heart breaks again and again.

The Weather

The weather lately has mirrored my mood. It’s dark and cries a lot. My mind is stuck in a dark spot. It’s very gloomy and storms often. The sky is crying more then normal. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I walked outside and the sky was crying, also.

When I was happy I would walk in the rain. I would look up and smile. Now when it rains it gives me more ways to hide. I can hide from friends and I can hide my tears. Standing out in the rain with tears coming down my face. I hear thunder, then the lighting strikes. It’s storming again, just like my mind.

I fear tomorrow the sun will be out. I am not ready to face it. I need more time to hide. I need to hide my tears. I need more time to hide away. The world has been so dark just like how I feel.

When I wake up and the sun is shining on me, I cover my eyes. I just don’t want to see the brightness. I am not ready to be out of my darkness. I put on a fake smile and go to work. I try all day to not cry.

I get in the car and sky is crying just as I am, all the way home. It’s storming again tonight. It makes it easy to stay home; home, where I am safe from everyone. I am not ready to fake happy. My mind is still dark with storms. and just like the weather I have been crying more then usually. Maybe tomorrow the sun will be out. Maybe tomorrow my world won’t be dark. Maybe the skies will stop crying, and so will I…

maybe…….

Just Hug Me!

I just wanted a hug, that’s all. I needed to feel you! You always told me that you would never forget about me. You said that you don’t want to hurt me. I just needed a hug. I had the worst night of my life and I just wanted you!

I know you can’t help me anymore. I am all on my own. I don’t want to be. I just want you back in my life. It’s not fair. I didn’t do anything. How can you just forget about me. Why are you not feeling pain? I can’t do anything right. I try to stay happy, and just try to talk about your future. You get mad at me. I can’t do anything right. I am sorry. I just want you in my life. I want you to like me again. I just want to hug you! I needed you tonight and you would not come. If you only knew how bad I was hurting, maybe you would have come over; most likely not. Your moving on, and could care less about my hurt. You think if you’re mean and shut me out, that I will just move on. It doesn’t work like that. You could just close me out for years; but my heart won’t change.

Run Kitty

I woke up. It felt odd in the house, and I have no idea why? I came down the stairs to see that he left the door open. Odd! Why would he do that? He always told me to stay in where it’s safe. Now the door is wide open, knowing I will walk out of it…So out I go. I ran around like a silly kitty. I found some friends and hung out with them. I was just wondering when he was going to come get me. But he never came.

I started to get hungry and sleepy. I walked for a while and realized it must have been days! I had seen that big bright thing in the sky at least 3 times. OMG! I can smell you! I must be close to home. Thank God! I am starving and lonely. I miss you I want you to pet me. I want to fall asleep on your chest. Oh, how I can’t wait to be back with you. I will never run out that damn door again.

This was the house, but you weren’t there! None of our stuff…nothing! Where are you? What did I do? I am so sorry for running out the door. Please come back for me. I will never ever run away again, I promise. I will never wake you up, or keep you up again. I promise! just come back. I am hungry!!!! I start running through the house in a panic. I see someone…not you.

He is reading something (this is what the note read), “Dear new owner, I had to disappear. I could not take my cat. She is going to be sad and mad. She may hiss at you, but she is really a sweet kitty, once she gets to know you. She will trust you and stay loyal. She will never run away. She loves to sleep on my chest. She is needy and she gets hungry a lot. I left her favorite food on the counter. When you are done reading this. Say, “Jasmin you are safe with me.” Make sure you say “Jasmin” then she will know it’s from me. I will come back from time to time to check on her from distance. She will never trust me again, so no worries; I will never take her away from you. Please take care of Jasmin and tell her I will love her forever. I just had to go.”

He looked at me and said, “Jasmin, you are safe.” Wait did he just call me Jasmin? OMG! Did he leave me???? Now I have to deal with this person. How will he know how to pet me, and how to feed me. How could he think he could just send someone else to take his place. So I took off and ran! I want to find you. I will run for years until I find you. I don’t want just anyone; I want you!

Well, Okay! I am hungry so I walk back and somehow he has the same food. Of course I hiss at him. But I do eat the food he left me. I guess I will sleep on this bed since it’s here. I still want you. He can hear me crying for you. He says, “My poor Jasmin, I know how it feels to be abandoned and I am not taking his place. I just want to help you make it through this. I realize I am not him. I will never leave you. If I leave you, come with me, ok? Until then, let’s just enjoy each other while we are both missing someone.”

Still crying, I fell asleep that night and many more. I loved to sleep because that’s when I got to see you. I miss you so much……..

If cats could cry

If cats could cry, my whiskers would soaked with tears. The other night when you were crying, I licked your tears away. Wishing I could also cry. I finally found a safe place to stay; a place I would love to call home. All you say is you can’t wait to leave. You don’t have to leave me, but you choose to. Why do you still hold me and tell me you miss me while your gone? I have never done any thing wrong. All I did was let you play with me. I purr the minute I see you. I never want morning to come. With each night that passes, you get closer and closer to leaving me. Don’t you worry that someone might take me? What if I get lost and starve to death? How could you just leave me, and not care?

I know there is another cat waiting for you there. She won’t be anything like me. I am the best cat out there, and you have me. You’re just going throw me out and leave? Why??!? What on earth did I do so wrong? I look at you with sad eyes. I love you and I don’t want you to go. All I can do is show you. If cats could cry…..

Your Last Breath

We cried while holding you. We could tell you were slipping away. I told you, “Just be free baby.” We loved you up to your last breath. My poor son was crying non stop. He thought it was his fault that you had to leave us so early. You can’t speak to us. We tried to always make you happy. We don’t understand why you had to leave us so early. I hope you know that we loved you so much.

I swear the other night I saw you running around. You were always so happy just running in and out of closets. I hope you did not feel pain. If only you could talk we would have known you were sick. I was holding my son as we laid down to rest. I never seen him cry like this before. He loved you with all his heart. Him hurting is making my heart hurt, even worse.

Learning about death is horrible. Watching your son cry is the worst. I can’t fix this. No matter what I do. I can’t bring her back. I hate that you had to go so soon. I hope you know we loved you. Be free baby I hope to see you up in heaven.

The Rain

I was standing there, in the rain, with tears running down my face. I was hoping noone could see them. I was hoping the rain would hide how much pain I felt. My heart hurt, but I did love the storm. I had fun waiting for the storm, but it hit too soon; I usually know when the storm is about to hit. I guess I was just having so much fun, that I forgot to shut the windows.

This storm was different. It was quick but violent. It took out a ton of trees and did so much damage to everything. I usually like to dance in the storms and play in the rain; but not this one. 

This one caused so much damage that I just started to cry. WTF! I am that weak person again. And just like after every other storm, there comes the clean up. I am too tired to clean up after this one, so I just lay down and sleep.

I wake up to feeling the pain again, of what the storm did. The sun is shining now but my eyes are still raining.

I will wake up in the morning and the sun will be shining. I will be happy because God gave me another day. Tomorrow I will feel blessed and happy, but tonight I will cry myself to sleep about the storm. I will walk this earth waiting for the next storm. This time I won’t be weak. I will enjoy the storms and smile in the rain. But I’m not sure how many more storms I can see like this one; it did a lot of damage.

It’s like the song blame it on the rain…

…Rain don’t mind…