Fallen

They say cats always land on their feet. This time I don’t think so. I can’t get the strength to get back up. They say it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up. I’ve lost that power and am unsure if I will ever find it again. The simple words are you ok? The answer is no. I’m not ok at all. No one knows what to say to that. As if they expect you to say yes. There are about 7 billion people in this world, and I have found ones who really don’t give a shit. I always knew of the dangers, but I never thought they would hit me as they did. The ones I always thought would be there can’t be. I am entirely alone in this fight.

I’m sad, I’m scared, and I’m all alone. I want to be held and told it would be ok. Even though I know, it won’t be. What do you do when the only ones that can help you back up are the ones that broke you? I have no one to run to. I am truly alone! I’m just going to sit here and cry.

   I came to you broken, and you turned me away. I have fallen so hard I can’t get back up. You shut the door on me. I did nothing to deserve this except trust the wrong person. I didn’t even realize I could hurt so much. Are you ok? The word no meant nothing to you.

I’m just another kitty to you. Why I thought I was special, I don’t know. I never ask for anything. Tonight I needed you. You left me crying, unable to stand. I realize there is nothing you can do. I didn’t require you to fix me. I just needed you to hold me. That was too much to ask. My world has fallen apart. I laid down and prayed for the sun to come up. Unfortunately, nothing changed. This pain isn’t going away. How are 7 billion people in this world, and I am alone? No one seems to care that I am lost kitty with no one. I guess I’m not lost because no one is looking for me. This journey I’m on isn’t fun anymore.

  It’s raining and storming even though the sun is out. I can not see it threw all the darkness. I’m just going to lay here till the storm passes. I have no idea when that will be. How do you solve something that can’t be solved? How do you fix something that can’t be fixed? How do you see the light threw the darkness? How do I fight this fight alone? How do you fight demons you can’t see? How do you reach for help when no one can help?

This is a long dark journey ahead. I have to find the strength to get threw it. Choices were made. This will not be easy. I will fight till the end. God, please give me the strength to handle this.

Hit by the blue lights

Now depending on what neighborhood your in your age,sex,and race. Being stopped my the police can be very different. I have had to deal with the police many times in my life. I have been treated very differently. When I lived in New Hampshire and lived in nice area. There approach would be way different. Now I live in what I like to call the “hood”. I have to learn the law and my rights . I have 2 boys in the teenage years. I have had to go toe to toe with police on many occasions.

The worst run in with the police was a little over a year ago. My youngest got caught taking something. It’s a long story he really didn’t know he was stealing. He actually had the money to buy it. Long story short they called me to come get him. They continued to judge me on where I lived. They wanted to hit my son with a felony. A child who has a higher IQ then every one in that room. Not caring about ruining a kids future. I freaked out and I was right! No charges! The cops literally looked upset that they could not ruin this kids future. WTF!!! When did this become a thing. When did they want to ruin any child to succeed in life. I have literally seen my boys on the ground being searched. I just happen to pull up. My 15 year old searched and thrown on the ground! WTF!!!!

It’s a power struggle. They make it that you never want to call them. This world is going crazy right now. I live in the hood. While every one was worried about TP. I was buying guns and ammo. No one in the hood will be calling the police. Stay safe every one! Make sure you hoard the right shit! 

Bad decisions

Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. 

Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while.  Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.

They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. 

Lost???

I get lost every where! Or do I?? I never take the same way I came. When I climb a mountain or go for a walk in the woods. I never want to go the same way. This is true no matter what. Even going to work , I go one way there and different way home. I have been doing this my whole life. I guess I never realized this till lately. I alway end up lost. I once got so lost. I could not find my way for 5 hours. I had to have my ex hubby then hubby track me down the mountain.

Any one who knows me knows how distracted I get. I can lose my way from time to time. My life is more about about the adventure then the destination. I like to take the fun way.

I have actually found some really cool stuff be lost. One time the boys and I got lost in Vermont after climbing a mountain. Had no service to gps our are selves home. Of course I got lost! We found a homemade ice cram place. Then we found a river and covered bridge. The boys and dog got to go swimming. It was one of my favorite days. My ex husband was more about the destination then adventure.

I need some one who wants to get lost with me. I want some one taking the adventure with me instead of finding me.

Your Last Breath

We cried while holding you. We could tell you were slipping away. I told you, “Just be free baby.” We loved you up to your last breath. My poor son was crying non stop. He thought it was his fault that you had to leave us so early. You can’t speak to us. We tried to always make you happy. We don’t understand why you had to leave us so early. I hope you know that we loved you so much.

I swear the other night I saw you running around. You were always so happy just running in and out of closets. I hope you did not feel pain. If only you could talk we would have known you were sick. I was holding my son as we laid down to rest. I never seen him cry like this before. He loved you with all his heart. Him hurting is making my heart hurt, even worse.

Learning about death is horrible. Watching your son cry is the worst. I can’t fix this. No matter what I do. I can’t bring her back. I hate that you had to go so soon. I hope you know we loved you. Be free baby I hope to see you up in heaven.

Sleep

I was walking alone in the snow. I also had my dog, Tucker, with me. If you have never walked in the forest right after a fresh snow, you may not understand this. It was the most peaceful thing you could ever imagine. The snow was deep, almost past my knees. Tucker, crazy dog, was hopping through the snow like a crazy person. The trees were covered with snow and the branches were hanging low. If you just stand there, you can’t hear anything but snow falling from trees. There are no tracks; no one has walked here since the fresh snow. I keep walking. My legs become tired. It’s a lot of work to walk through snow, this deep.

It starts snowing again. All I see are trees and white. Tucker is just running around. I decide I need to rest, so I lay down and make a snow angel. I catch some snow flakes on my tongue. I just lay there watching the snow hit my face. It’s so peaceful. I just want to sleep. My fingers and my toes are so cold. I don’t want to stand; it’s just so peaceful.

No one has any idea where I am. I was taking a walk with Tucker. I see it’s starting to get dark. I must get up now. I try to stand but my body just wants to sleep. It’s just so peaceful. No one is talking and there is no sound. I must have fallen asleep. Next thing I knew Tucker was licking my face.

“Ok Baby! It’s time to go.” My body was so cold standing, and I hurt so bad. It’s dark, now. I have no idea where I am. I have no cell phone or anything. I know my boys need to eat, so I must get back. Tucker looks at me like, “Ok let’s go!” I tell him, “Buddy, I am lost. I am just to tired to make it.” I lay back down. At this point tucker lays on me. He must have known I was freezing. His body heat warmed me up enough to get up. I said, “Buddy! Show me how to get home.” He starts walking. Our tracks have been covered by the new snow. I fear I may never make it back home. My husband is, most likely, really mad, because I wasn’t home to make dinner. Did he even try to look for me? Then I become sad. I am a missing person that no one missed. I start to cry. It’s so cold that my tears freeze to my face.

Tucker is now whining at me to say, “Come on! I want to go home.” At least I know that Tucker will never leave me. I feel like I have been walking for hours. I tell Tucker, “Buddy! I can’t go any more. I just need to sleep.”

So I laid down in the snow. I was at peace. I felt warm all over. I felt no pain. My mind was at peace.

The next thing I remember, my husband was standing over me with Tucker. He says, “Julie wake up! The boys and I need you.” I feel cold and pain. I am confused. He makes me stand up and he helps me walk out of the woods.

Tucker had gone back and got my husband, to let him know I was in danger. I made it back home, and took a hot shower and kissed my boys.

The Rain

I was standing there, in the rain, with tears running down my face. I was hoping noone could see them. I was hoping the rain would hide how much pain I felt. My heart hurt, but I did love the storm. I had fun waiting for the storm, but it hit too soon; I usually know when the storm is about to hit. I guess I was just having so much fun, that I forgot to shut the windows.

This storm was different. It was quick but violent. It took out a ton of trees and did so much damage to everything. I usually like to dance in the storms and play in the rain; but not this one. 

This one caused so much damage that I just started to cry. WTF! I am that weak person again. And just like after every other storm, there comes the clean up. I am too tired to clean up after this one, so I just lay down and sleep.

I wake up to feeling the pain again, of what the storm did. The sun is shining now but my eyes are still raining.

I will wake up in the morning and the sun will be shining. I will be happy because God gave me another day. Tomorrow I will feel blessed and happy, but tonight I will cry myself to sleep about the storm. I will walk this earth waiting for the next storm. This time I won’t be weak. I will enjoy the storms and smile in the rain. But I’m not sure how many more storms I can see like this one; it did a lot of damage.

It’s like the song blame it on the rain…

…Rain don’t mind…

Learning disability

Living with a learning disability is so hard. I was often called “Stupid” from peers and boyfriends; worse yet, my husband. When I was much younger I had speech problems. People who know me now, are like “Really?” Yes. I could not say bird, or board, or purple and lots of other words. My sister often talked for me. I can remember being very irritated. I remember thinking, “Why can’t they understand me?” I would wait for my sister to fix what I was saying. I remember going to speech class in school. I was so happy that finally someone would help. I’m not just speaking for me. I also suffered from another learning disability that was not found until later in life. I remember getting sent to summer school every year. I was so sad, and I tried so hard, yet I had failed once again. I remember getting that letter; it meant I had failed.

I tried so hard but I just could not write, or read the way I was suppose to. I remember getting put into Spanish class. I was like, “WTF?! I can barely pass English.” I failed of course. Then I was tested and when I came back in 9th grade,  my reading level was that of a 6th grader.

Then the label came of a disability, and I was put in a “special ” English class. All my friends would pick on me, daily. That is most likely why I would find things to make the pain go away. I will talk about that in another blog. I was told, “Don’t bother taking SATS. You will just fail.” I was told, “Don’t even try college. You will never make it.” Well that sucks. There was no real help for my disability just a teacher that would “help” me….just like with my sister who would speak for me.

To this day, I can’t even post this blog until it’s proof read, and “fixed.” Otherwise, it would not be readable. I have taken tests to get a job that would change my life. I would fail like always. When I got my results, I would always hear my ex-husband say, “Your a loser and you have nothing. You will never have a career or money. You are too dumb to do anything.” I always figured that God had a plan for me.  He must. He sent me my husband, I thought.

I would be the loving wife, and then God sent me two great boys. I figured that was the plan He had for me. I was brought up with the belief that you stay married, no matter what.

No matter how bad it got, I stayed. This was the way life was, right?

Wrong! I guess God had other plans. He must have known that I was stronger then I ever thought I was. Thank God that even with a learning disability, I was smart enough to survive.

My life has never been easy. Never. Every day is a struggle. Even writing this blog is hard.

So the next time you meet someone with a disability don’t ever feel sorry for them. Don’t talk for them, and they don’t need your help. Just respect them and realize that there life is so much harder then yours. Be grateful for life and what God has given you. I believe he has a plan for everyone. He just made me realize that even though I have this disability I am still very strong.