Fallen

They say cats always land on their feet. This time I don’t think so. I can’t get the strength to get back up. They say it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up. I’ve lost that power and am unsure if I will ever find it again. The simple words are you ok? The answer is no. I’m not ok at all. No one knows what to say to that. As if they expect you to say yes. There are about 7 billion people in this world, and I have found ones who really don’t give a shit. I always knew of the dangers, but I never thought they would hit me as they did. The ones I always thought would be there can’t be. I am entirely alone in this fight.

I’m sad, I’m scared, and I’m all alone. I want to be held and told it would be ok. Even though I know, it won’t be. What do you do when the only ones that can help you back up are the ones that broke you? I have no one to run to. I am truly alone! I’m just going to sit here and cry.

   I came to you broken, and you turned me away. I have fallen so hard I can’t get back up. You shut the door on me. I did nothing to deserve this except trust the wrong person. I didn’t even realize I could hurt so much. Are you ok? The word no meant nothing to you.

I’m just another kitty to you. Why I thought I was special, I don’t know. I never ask for anything. Tonight I needed you. You left me crying, unable to stand. I realize there is nothing you can do. I didn’t require you to fix me. I just needed you to hold me. That was too much to ask. My world has fallen apart. I laid down and prayed for the sun to come up. Unfortunately, nothing changed. This pain isn’t going away. How are 7 billion people in this world, and I am alone? No one seems to care that I am lost kitty with no one. I guess I’m not lost because no one is looking for me. This journey I’m on isn’t fun anymore.

  It’s raining and storming even though the sun is out. I can not see it threw all the darkness. I’m just going to lay here till the storm passes. I have no idea when that will be. How do you solve something that can’t be solved? How do you fix something that can’t be fixed? How do you see the light threw the darkness? How do I fight this fight alone? How do you fight demons you can’t see? How do you reach for help when no one can help?

This is a long dark journey ahead. I have to find the strength to get threw it. Choices were made. This will not be easy. I will fight till the end. God, please give me the strength to handle this.

One stormy night

  The day had turned into night. There was a storm coming. I could hear that loud noise in the sky. I knew what was coming next. The water will fall. Now I have been threw a lot of storms since you left me out here. Tonight was different. I was offered a nice warm place to stay.

This lovely man said what are you doing out this storm? I will take you in just for the night. He gave me something to eat and drink. He let me sleep on the bed. At first, I didn’t want to get too close, so I slept at the end of the bed. The ball was in the sky. The storm had passed. Out I went. For some reason, I kept thinking about that lovely place and wishing I could return. Then one night, I was out walking. I see him again. He says hey kitty, sleep inside tonight. I was confused. It’s not stormy. Was he out here looking for me?

He says no one can no you here, so if you see anyone hide. I have been hiding and running for three years, so that was no problem. Still totally confused about why I am here—not going to complain about the excellent food, a nice cool place to stay. This time I slept a little closer. Just like before, the morning came, and out I went. This time I didn’t roam very far just in case, he wanted me back. This felt different than anyone else who has let me in. He didn’t try to keep me. He made sure I was taken care of and let me go.

Every few nights, he would find me again and take me in. I am still confused about what to think. He never leaves food or water for me. I am not going to complain. I get out of the heat and get food, and he gives me lovely kisses. He talks to me and never tries to keep me. It seems like a perfect situation. Good things never last so going to make the most of it.

One night he came out for me. I, of course, never went too far in case he came for me. Duplicate all the other nights. Now oddly, at this point, I would usually be looking for a way out. Not this time. Maybe because he didn’t care if I left or stayed. Morning came, but this time, he said you could stay and hang with him today. Loung around all-day and not deal with the heat and search for food. Sounds great! Night came, and now I wanted out! I wanted to make sure I could still get out. He said ok kitty you can go see you soon.

Not sure how long it was, but it had been a while, and he had not come to get me. I was sad. I figured he decided not to break his rules of no kitties. Then one night, I showed up and just sat there. He came out and said come on in, kitty. He told me he had been busy. I was just happy to sleep in a bed tonight!

I have been able to hang inside all day a few times and many nights and still confused about where I belong. I’m pretty sure if I went away, he would not look for me. I’m not sure if he would even miss me. For right now, I have a safe place from storms……..

What kind of cat?

What kind of cat do you want to be? You want to be that cat that sits inside and looks at all the crazy things outside? Do you want to be out chasing all the crazy things? I always thought I wanted to be the cat inside looking at all the crazy. Somehow I got out. Once I started chasing all the crazy stuff. I couldn’t stop! I’ve been out here so long I have forgotten what inside looks like. How it feels just to sit and watch.

I am so tired of chasing things. I see all these cats looking at me threw the widows. I wonder, are they jealous? Well, I am jealous of them. I want to be inside looking out. I want a nice safe place to stay. I’m tired of chasing and running and looking for stuff. I want to be inside, safe from all the crazy. I want someone to bring me food. I want someone to cuddle me at night. I wonder if these cats inside even understand how good they have it. Then you have the perfect cat. The ones that go out and chase all day but have to go back in and get all the inside benefits. They get the best of both worlds.

I was not that lucky to get that life. I was blessed with the energy of struggles. I was always chasing and running from what I had no idea anymore. I hang out with all the Kitty’s that all go home at the end of the day. They stay and play and chase with me. Then they all leave. Until the next day, they will be back. They have no idea how good they have it.

Will you be that cat that travels threw this life alone? Will you be that cat who has someone forever? I’m getting old being out here alone. Chasing gets more challenging every day. So, before you answer, what kind of cat do you want to be? Remember, it could be forever…..

The other woman

So women always fear “the other woman.”  What happens if you were always the “other woman.” I somehow have fallen into this role most of my life. I became the person people hate. “The other woman.” I’m really not sure why or when it started.  I have been single on my own for so long. I really don’t even remember how it feels to have a partner—someone to share your life with. I must give out that vibe. I’m the fun girl, not the girl they chose long-term. Oddly was like before marriage. I was married for 12 long years. Then I was set free! I fell right back into my role. Always single. Do I like being the other woman? It’s not like I set out looking to be. I guess I kind of like the fact they will never get attached. I still have the freedom to do what I want.

• 

Maybe it’s the thrill of it. I’m not really sure. I do know why I never trust anyone. I tried finding Mr. Right, but my Mr. Right was someone else’s. That seemed to be the theme of my life. I gave in and decided just go with it. For most of my life, I am just single. Do I fear I will be forever? Yes, for sure. How will life change if it has yet to this far? Will I always be “the other woman”? Or will I find a guy who chooses me? Someone who will see all the love I have to give. Who will see past the damaged heart? Someone who helps me change the path of destruction that I am on. I guess we shall see, but for now, I will continue to live free!

Why a Tom cat?

I met up with my “Tom” cat. I asked him why do you like being a “Tom” cat? He said well I don’t make a good house cat soooo. I asked what makes a good house cat? He says well for starters you have to like to be stuck in one house for years. I said well I get that but don’t you get tired of having to search for everything? He then said no because if I wanted everything handed to me I would be a house cat.

I asked him don’t you get lonely out here all by yourself. He said I am not alone very often there lots of out here. Some not so nice and some are too nice. He went on to tell me he wasn’t always a “Tom” cat. I had home once humans that fed me. I had a nice warm bed that slept in. Then one day I went out to play. I guess I lost my way. I tried to find them but I never did.

I went hungry for bit. I had no idea what to do with out my humans. I missed them a lot but I guess they never looked for me.

So then the chase began. I had to chase my meals,warmth and any thing else I wanted. I learned real quick the big things on the road stay away! Also the kitty police with a net. Run!!!!I have lost a lot of friends to both.

I went on to ask him did you ever try to find another house to stay in? He said no I guess I was a one house kinda kitty. I had it once so at least I can say I had it. There lots of kitty’s out here who have never been in house.

The world is our house. We are free to go any where. There is always food somewhere. You can always find a nice warm place to stay. When you stop trying to find the perfect house to live in. You will learn to enjoy the freedom.

Sorry kitty I gotta go. I have been here with you to long. Then the “tom’ cat ran off. I will see him in a few weeks maybe….

Why did you leave?

I loved that you had been home with me. I was able to cuddle with you all day. You didn’t seem happy. You sensed sad. I tried everything I new how to do. You told me every day how much you loved me. You always said it was so unfair that I could not live as long as you. But yet I am still here and I can’t find you. Where did you go? Why can’t I find you. Why is some one else sleeping in your spot?

I got so happy I saw some one sleeping in your spot. I thought you had come back for me. I then realized it was not you. I can still smell your sent here on your things. I no you wouldn’t just leave me. You have always had me with you. Even when you moved me in to a new home. I was ok because I had you.

This nice man feeds me when I demand to be fed. I still search for you. I think this man knows where you are. He gets sad when I cry and jump on your side of the bed.

I do all kinds of bad stuff hoping you will come back and yell at me. No matter what I do you don’t come back. Why would you leave me? I no you left me with this nice guy. He isn’t you. I want you to pet me. I want you to cuddle with me. I have no idea who this other person is. She isn’t you!!!! This is the longest I have been away from you. I no I am getting old. What happens if I never see you again? I forget every day your still not here. I wake up searching for you. Every day I my heart breaks again and again.

The Weather

The weather lately has mirrored my mood. It’s dark and cries a lot. My mind is stuck in a dark spot. It’s very gloomy and storms often. The sky is crying more then normal. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I walked outside and the sky was crying, also.

When I was happy I would walk in the rain. I would look up and smile. Now when it rains it gives me more ways to hide. I can hide from friends and I can hide my tears. Standing out in the rain with tears coming down my face. I hear thunder, then the lighting strikes. It’s storming again, just like my mind.

I fear tomorrow the sun will be out. I am not ready to face it. I need more time to hide. I need to hide my tears. I need more time to hide away. The world has been so dark just like how I feel.

When I wake up and the sun is shining on me, I cover my eyes. I just don’t want to see the brightness. I am not ready to be out of my darkness. I put on a fake smile and go to work. I try all day to not cry.

I get in the car and sky is crying just as I am, all the way home. It’s storming again tonight. It makes it easy to stay home; home, where I am safe from everyone. I am not ready to fake happy. My mind is still dark with storms. and just like the weather I have been crying more then usually. Maybe tomorrow the sun will be out. Maybe tomorrow my world won’t be dark. Maybe the skies will stop crying, and so will I…

maybe…….

Just Hug Me!

I just wanted a hug, that’s all. I needed to feel you! You always told me that you would never forget about me. You said that you don’t want to hurt me. I just needed a hug. I had the worst night of my life and I just wanted you!

I know you can’t help me anymore. I am all on my own. I don’t want to be. I just want you back in my life. It’s not fair. I didn’t do anything. How can you just forget about me. Why are you not feeling pain? I can’t do anything right. I try to stay happy, and just try to talk about your future. You get mad at me. I can’t do anything right. I am sorry. I just want you in my life. I want you to like me again. I just want to hug you! I needed you tonight and you would not come. If you only knew how bad I was hurting, maybe you would have come over; most likely not. Your moving on, and could care less about my hurt. You think if you’re mean and shut me out, that I will just move on. It doesn’t work like that. You could just close me out for years; but my heart won’t change.

Your Voice

What I miss the most is your voice. Each day I forget more things. I miss seeing your smile. I miss your touch. Most of all, I miss having you to talk to.

When I go to sleep I see you. I feel you wrapping your arms around me. I know if you could, you would be here. I pick up the phone to call you like 5 times a day, knowing there is no way for you to answer. I only wish you would have set up your voice mail, so I could at least just hear your voice.

I miss you so much, it hurts to think about it. I am hoping I never forget how you look, or your smile. I never want to forget you.

You may feel like you did me a favor, but you did not. I know you hate that I am hurting. It’s not your fault. Please forgive me but I can’t stop loving you….. now I know your smiling because I just broke out with a song.

I wake up crying because you are no longer here holding me. When I fell asleep, you were with me holding me. I try to roll over to see if I can find you. The sun is too bright, and my heart is too dark. Another day without you means more that I will forget about you. Days will turn into weeks, weeks will turn into months, months will turn into years…. before I know it, I won’t remember how you feel holding me.

I won’t remember your smile, or how I felt when you touched me, or how you made me laugh. I won’t remember how it felt to dance with you. Most of all I won’t remember your voice. But for now I will close my eyes and sleep with you holding me……

Sleep

I was walking alone in the snow. I also had my dog, Tucker, with me. If you have never walked in the forest right after a fresh snow, you may not understand this. It was the most peaceful thing you could ever imagine. The snow was deep, almost past my knees. Tucker, crazy dog, was hopping through the snow like a crazy person. The trees were covered with snow and the branches were hanging low. If you just stand there, you can’t hear anything but snow falling from trees. There are no tracks; no one has walked here since the fresh snow. I keep walking. My legs become tired. It’s a lot of work to walk through snow, this deep.

It starts snowing again. All I see are trees and white. Tucker is just running around. I decide I need to rest, so I lay down and make a snow angel. I catch some snow flakes on my tongue. I just lay there watching the snow hit my face. It’s so peaceful. I just want to sleep. My fingers and my toes are so cold. I don’t want to stand; it’s just so peaceful.

No one has any idea where I am. I was taking a walk with Tucker. I see it’s starting to get dark. I must get up now. I try to stand but my body just wants to sleep. It’s just so peaceful. No one is talking and there is no sound. I must have fallen asleep. Next thing I knew Tucker was licking my face.

“Ok Baby! It’s time to go.” My body was so cold standing, and I hurt so bad. It’s dark, now. I have no idea where I am. I have no cell phone or anything. I know my boys need to eat, so I must get back. Tucker looks at me like, “Ok let’s go!” I tell him, “Buddy, I am lost. I am just to tired to make it.” I lay back down. At this point tucker lays on me. He must have known I was freezing. His body heat warmed me up enough to get up. I said, “Buddy! Show me how to get home.” He starts walking. Our tracks have been covered by the new snow. I fear I may never make it back home. My husband is, most likely, really mad, because I wasn’t home to make dinner. Did he even try to look for me? Then I become sad. I am a missing person that no one missed. I start to cry. It’s so cold that my tears freeze to my face.

Tucker is now whining at me to say, “Come on! I want to go home.” At least I know that Tucker will never leave me. I feel like I have been walking for hours. I tell Tucker, “Buddy! I can’t go any more. I just need to sleep.”

So I laid down in the snow. I was at peace. I felt warm all over. I felt no pain. My mind was at peace.

The next thing I remember, my husband was standing over me with Tucker. He says, “Julie wake up! The boys and I need you.” I feel cold and pain. I am confused. He makes me stand up and he helps me walk out of the woods.

Tucker had gone back and got my husband, to let him know I was in danger. I made it back home, and took a hot shower and kissed my boys.