Fallen

They say cats always land on their feet. This time I don’t think so. I can’t get the strength to get back up. They say it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up. I’ve lost that power and am unsure if I will ever find it again. The simple words are you ok? The answer is no. I’m not ok at all. No one knows what to say to that. As if they expect you to say yes. There are about 7 billion people in this world, and I have found ones who really don’t give a shit. I always knew of the dangers, but I never thought they would hit me as they did. The ones I always thought would be there can’t be. I am entirely alone in this fight.

I’m sad, I’m scared, and I’m all alone. I want to be held and told it would be ok. Even though I know, it won’t be. What do you do when the only ones that can help you back up are the ones that broke you? I have no one to run to. I am truly alone! I’m just going to sit here and cry.

   I came to you broken, and you turned me away. I have fallen so hard I can’t get back up. You shut the door on me. I did nothing to deserve this except trust the wrong person. I didn’t even realize I could hurt so much. Are you ok? The word no meant nothing to you.

I’m just another kitty to you. Why I thought I was special, I don’t know. I never ask for anything. Tonight I needed you. You left me crying, unable to stand. I realize there is nothing you can do. I didn’t require you to fix me. I just needed you to hold me. That was too much to ask. My world has fallen apart. I laid down and prayed for the sun to come up. Unfortunately, nothing changed. This pain isn’t going away. How are 7 billion people in this world, and I am alone? No one seems to care that I am lost kitty with no one. I guess I’m not lost because no one is looking for me. This journey I’m on isn’t fun anymore.

  It’s raining and storming even though the sun is out. I can not see it threw all the darkness. I’m just going to lay here till the storm passes. I have no idea when that will be. How do you solve something that can’t be solved? How do you fix something that can’t be fixed? How do you see the light threw the darkness? How do I fight this fight alone? How do you fight demons you can’t see? How do you reach for help when no one can help?

This is a long dark journey ahead. I have to find the strength to get threw it. Choices were made. This will not be easy. I will fight till the end. God, please give me the strength to handle this.

One stormy night

  The day had turned into night. There was a storm coming. I could hear that loud noise in the sky. I knew what was coming next. The water will fall. Now I have been threw a lot of storms since you left me out here. Tonight was different. I was offered a nice warm place to stay.

This lovely man said what are you doing out this storm? I will take you in just for the night. He gave me something to eat and drink. He let me sleep on the bed. At first, I didn’t want to get too close, so I slept at the end of the bed. The ball was in the sky. The storm had passed. Out I went. For some reason, I kept thinking about that lovely place and wishing I could return. Then one night, I was out walking. I see him again. He says hey kitty, sleep inside tonight. I was confused. It’s not stormy. Was he out here looking for me?

He says no one can no you here, so if you see anyone hide. I have been hiding and running for three years, so that was no problem. Still totally confused about why I am here—not going to complain about the excellent food, a nice cool place to stay. This time I slept a little closer. Just like before, the morning came, and out I went. This time I didn’t roam very far just in case, he wanted me back. This felt different than anyone else who has let me in. He didn’t try to keep me. He made sure I was taken care of and let me go.

Every few nights, he would find me again and take me in. I am still confused about what to think. He never leaves food or water for me. I am not going to complain. I get out of the heat and get food, and he gives me lovely kisses. He talks to me and never tries to keep me. It seems like a perfect situation. Good things never last so going to make the most of it.

One night he came out for me. I, of course, never went too far in case he came for me. Duplicate all the other nights. Now oddly, at this point, I would usually be looking for a way out. Not this time. Maybe because he didn’t care if I left or stayed. Morning came, but this time, he said you could stay and hang with him today. Loung around all-day and not deal with the heat and search for food. Sounds great! Night came, and now I wanted out! I wanted to make sure I could still get out. He said ok kitty you can go see you soon.

Not sure how long it was, but it had been a while, and he had not come to get me. I was sad. I figured he decided not to break his rules of no kitties. Then one night, I showed up and just sat there. He came out and said come on in, kitty. He told me he had been busy. I was just happy to sleep in a bed tonight!

I have been able to hang inside all day a few times and many nights and still confused about where I belong. I’m pretty sure if I went away, he would not look for me. I’m not sure if he would even miss me. For right now, I have a safe place from storms……..

What kind of cat?

What kind of cat do you want to be? You want to be that cat that sits inside and looks at all the crazy things outside? Do you want to be out chasing all the crazy things? I always thought I wanted to be the cat inside looking at all the crazy. Somehow I got out. Once I started chasing all the crazy stuff. I couldn’t stop! I’ve been out here so long I have forgotten what inside looks like. How it feels just to sit and watch.

I am so tired of chasing things. I see all these cats looking at me threw the widows. I wonder, are they jealous? Well, I am jealous of them. I want to be inside looking out. I want a nice safe place to stay. I’m tired of chasing and running and looking for stuff. I want to be inside, safe from all the crazy. I want someone to bring me food. I want someone to cuddle me at night. I wonder if these cats inside even understand how good they have it. Then you have the perfect cat. The ones that go out and chase all day but have to go back in and get all the inside benefits. They get the best of both worlds.

I was not that lucky to get that life. I was blessed with the energy of struggles. I was always chasing and running from what I had no idea anymore. I hang out with all the Kitty’s that all go home at the end of the day. They stay and play and chase with me. Then they all leave. Until the next day, they will be back. They have no idea how good they have it.

Will you be that cat that travels threw this life alone? Will you be that cat who has someone forever? I’m getting old being out here alone. Chasing gets more challenging every day. So, before you answer, what kind of cat do you want to be? Remember, it could be forever…..

The other woman

So women always fear “the other woman.”  What happens if you were always the “other woman.” I somehow have fallen into this role most of my life. I became the person people hate. “The other woman.” I’m really not sure why or when it started.  I have been single on my own for so long. I really don’t even remember how it feels to have a partner—someone to share your life with. I must give out that vibe. I’m the fun girl, not the girl they chose long-term. Oddly was like before marriage. I was married for 12 long years. Then I was set free! I fell right back into my role. Always single. Do I like being the other woman? It’s not like I set out looking to be. I guess I kind of like the fact they will never get attached. I still have the freedom to do what I want.

• 

Maybe it’s the thrill of it. I’m not really sure. I do know why I never trust anyone. I tried finding Mr. Right, but my Mr. Right was someone else’s. That seemed to be the theme of my life. I gave in and decided just go with it. For most of my life, I am just single. Do I fear I will be forever? Yes, for sure. How will life change if it has yet to this far? Will I always be “the other woman”? Or will I find a guy who chooses me? Someone who will see all the love I have to give. Who will see past the damaged heart? Someone who helps me change the path of destruction that I am on. I guess we shall see, but for now, I will continue to live free!

No!!!!!!!

A word I have such a hard time saying! How do you tell someone I don’t want you to pick me up! Is it because I’m so little and cute? At first, it’s ok. Can’t you tell I am squirming around? Can you not see I am uncomfortable? Sometimes I will just sit there and deal with it. Then I get annoyed. I yell and scream, and I may even scratch you. I don’t mean it, but I just couldn’t tell you NO! I don’t want to upset you. I know you just want to love on me. You mean no harm. I wish to be left alone. You have to wait for me to want you to pick me up. I can not guarantee that I will. ……

Just because I am out here roaming this world alone doesn’t mean I need you or even want you. Your not my owner, who left me. You can never be him. I may have forgotten how his voice sounded. I may have forgotten how I loved him to hold me. I am 100 percent positive if I ever see him again, he can pick me up. I search for him daily. I go back to the place he left me. He isn’t there. I know people don’t mean to upset me. I just don’t understand why they always want to pick me up! You can talk to me and pet me. Well, not always. Sometimes I wish to be left alone. I know I will walk this world alone unless I change my ways. But I am an old cat, and I don’t see that happening. There are days that I am sad and all I want is someone to pick me up and cuddle me. Those days are usually the days no one is around or cares that I am sad and lonely.

Words I can’t stand. You’re too cute and friendly to be a stray. Why do they assume I don’t like being a stray? I tried the house cat thing. I failed at it and ended back out on the streets. I believe this is where I belong. Why do they assume that I need someone? I mean, I miss the excellent food I used to get. Having to search for food every day gets tiring. I miss the nice comfy bed I would sleep in. Mainly I miss having someone love me. I have gotten catnapped before. They picked me up and brought me in a thing that went fast. It took me days to escape, and when I did, I had no idea where I was. It took me days to get back in my hood. I do have to run away from the pet police. If they get a hold of me, an old kitty like me doesn’t stand a chance to make it out alive. Will I give in one day and be a house kitty again? I guess time will tell. For right now, there are enough Tomcats to keep me happy. So if you see a cute kitty, don’t assume they want you to pick them up. You may say, why not just run away? The truth is profound down, I am really a scared kitty, and I really like attention and miss it so much. When receiving attention, I like it a lot. I know it’s false and short-lived. So I take what I can get for a short about of time.

Lost my way!

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I decided one day to take a walk on the train tracks. I was tired of streets and cars. I wanted to walk some where quiet. I just needed a break. Growing up we lived near the train tracks. We would walk for hours on them. We even had many parties down there.  I usually walk with my dogs but today I was alone. I am not sure why today I decided to walk alone.

I must of just got busy in my own head. Before I new it, hours have gone by. My tummy was getting hungry and I could see it was getting dark. No idea where I am. I am used to getting lost, pretty much been lost my whole life. I always end up finding my way one way or another. Kinda like a cat with 9 lives.

 

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Well I pull out my phone no service. Where the hell am I that there is no service? I am tired of walking so I sit down. I find some snacks in my backpack. That I was happy I had some in there. Ugh well no phone service and now its dark. I lay down for a bit try to figure out this mess I am in.

I guess I must off fell asleep because I am awoken from a train whistle. O damn I just realized where I am. I go to get up and my foot is stuck! WTF!!!

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My foot is stuck Damn It! How the hell did this happen. As I am watching the train coming. I start pleading. I am not ready yet! I just lost my way! My boys need me. I am not ready please I will pay more attention in life! I guess you really start to barging with God. My heart was beating so loud. I swear I couldn’t even hear the train. Damn it no one will believe I just got lost! Well I think about it yea they will. Damn it I can’t get my foot out!

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All of a sudden I hear familiar sound. Its my alarm! I open my eyes I am in my bed! WTF that was crazy dream. I woke happy to be alive. I didn’t care that boys left a mess last night. I was more then happy to clean it. I brought the dogs out and just sat there and let the morning sun hit me in my face. My heart was still beating super fast. I thanked God for today and every day. I guess some times you just have to lose your way. To realize what is important to you.

 

 

 

 

Bad decisions

Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. 

Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while.  Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.

They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. 

Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

I don’t drink coffee!

Apparently I must now add that to my online profile. The list is long. The things I like todo with a list of things I don’t like. I now cut and paste my profile. Ugh online dating in your 40s sucks!!!!

If people could just be honest on what they want it would be a lot easier. You would think that men in there 40s and 50s would be out of the hook up stage. Wrong!!! Worse they lie about it.

For the longest I just removed myself from all sites. I gave up I did a year or longer single. It was great. After awhile it gets lonely and boring. I go back on there . I find the same bs games as before. I then pull myself back off. Ugh!!!!

I am like screw it if games is what they want to play. Then damnit let’s play! I will sit threw horrible dates praying that lunch or dinner is over. You want to meet for coffee??? Wtf when did that become a thing. Why don’t we go to McDonald’s drive threw? Then right to your house? Has it really came to this. A man can’t even buy you a meal any more? I feel like telling them no let’s meet for water. Then at no point do I owe you anything at all.

I can spot a serial dater that’s what my friend calls them lol. They say let’s meet for coffee. Serial dater doesn’t want to keep wasting money on meals. I once had a guy say you can come to my house and cook for me . Wtf should I be barefoot and pregnant too.

The drop off that pisses me off more then anything. For no reason they just stop responding. No reason nothing just ghosted. Then some times they will send a random text like 4 months later really???? Like wtf um no. One of my blogs will be 50 worst dates. I will do 10 on each. They are all true even though you won’t believe how bad they are.

This is one thing I hate my friends have also complained about this. They lie about how tall you they are. Like really dude if we meet you we will no your not 5″9. What do you think? Your going to win us over with your great personality. Right off the bat we no your a lier. If this a “coffee” date that would be worse!

Cell Phone

Do you ever look around and see how many people are on their phone? I am not just talking about just young people, either; it’s everyone! I remember one night I was out with friends and we were all on our phones. One of my friends said, “Well, I guess I will get mine too.” I looked around and everyone was on them. No one was talking, they were just on their phones. When did we become these people? Why can’t we get unplugged for a night?

One day I left for a doctors appointment and I forgot my phone. At first there was full panic, then I was like, “I kinda enjoy this.” I sat down and waited and looked over at my son, who hadn’t stopped texting since we left the house. I look over and everyone waiting was on their phone. I was like, “Well, damn! I will Just watch the tv.” As I am writing this blog, right now, I am in the pool on my phone.

When did our phone become our lifeline? If I lost my phone, the only people I could call would be only one of my sons, and my mom and dad’s home phone. When did that happen? I used to know everyones phone number by heart. I don’t even own a camera, I take all my photos on my phone. I think I talk to my kids in text, more then I do in person.

At work there is no radio, so literally all you hear is like 20 conversations going on. Sometimes I wish we had a radio just to block out all the conversation I hear. It’s so nice at work because I am not allowed to have my phone.  When I get my break, it’s a treat to see what had happened in the world, while I was stuck in hell.

My kids never seem to understand the fact that I don’t have my phone at work. For them to go eight hours without one would be some kind of torture. They will say,  “Mom! I texted you. Why didn’t you respond?” I will tell them, yet again, I do not have my cell at work.

While I was married, it was always the computer! It came first, then the boys, then me. Ugh! I hated that damn thing! Then from there, it became the cell phone. I can say that Facebook definitely helped my marriage end. I know that I can’t be the only person who can say that. When your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife is always on their phone, you have to wonder what is more important then talking to you? Who are they talking to? Have you ever texted someone and didn’t get a response, but then see they are active on Facebook, or post something. Wtf!!!

The worst thing is when their phone rings late at night, when your both in bed together. Who is calling, and why? It’s like having a third person in your relationship. It just makes you question so much; all because of the cellphone. I read online that a restaurant had opened up that blocks cellphones towers; it makes people talk! Why is that news? Is that how bad it has gotten? Most likely the people at work know better then anyone, because there are no cell phones for us, for seven hours. No music…nothing.

Our phones are used for so much; music, photos, social media, texting, emailing and even the lost feature…making a phone call. The next time you’re out with friends, or having a nice dinner with loved ones, put the phone away.

Enjoy the moment.