What do you do for a living?

The question I hate most of all! Why does it matter what I do for a living? Let me back up for a minute.

First of all I am not career kinda person. I never have been nor will I be. Why in this world do woman need to get married have kids make a living. Just to fit in this Society. Well I fell for this crap got married had 2 great boys. Had it all even the stupid white picket fence. I was living the American dream right?

Wrong! I was in silent hell! Stuck with bills we couldn’t pay a horrible marriage. I did everything right I followed all of society’s rules. So why did I feel like I was in hell every day?

I was often told go back to school. Why??? I hate school. Get a career. Why?? Why must every one follow theses rules. 

I broke all the rules! I got divorced. I moved 12 hours away from everyone. Just the boys and I. Here we go again must get a job. I call it a job because I hate going there. They pay me and I go home. So what do I do for a living…..I work.

Today I really broke all the rules. I no longer work. So dating is fun lol. Line 2 every time so what do you do for a living? Why does it matter? I stand at corner and beg for money. Lol! I don’t really just always thought that would be funny to say lol. I am not asking you for money or to support me. Society says we must have life figured out and have a career by now. Well guess what I don’t! How I make a living has nothing to do with who I am. 

Lost my way!

brown bare trees on the woods
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I decided one day to take a walk on the train tracks. I was tired of streets and cars. I wanted to walk some where quiet. I just needed a break. Growing up we lived near the train tracks. We would walk for hours on them. We even had many parties down there.  I usually walk with my dogs but today I was alone. I am not sure why today I decided to walk alone.

I must of just got busy in my own head. Before I new it, hours have gone by. My tummy was getting hungry and I could see it was getting dark. No idea where I am. I am used to getting lost, pretty much been lost my whole life. I always end up finding my way one way or another. Kinda like a cat with 9 lives.

 

afterglow art backlit birds
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Well I pull out my phone no service. Where the hell am I that there is no service? I am tired of walking so I sit down. I find some snacks in my backpack. That I was happy I had some in there. Ugh well no phone service and now its dark. I lay down for a bit try to figure out this mess I am in.

I guess I must off fell asleep because I am awoken from a train whistle. O damn I just realized where I am. I go to get up and my foot is stuck! WTF!!!

red train on tracks with green grass beside under bright sky
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My foot is stuck Damn It! How the hell did this happen. As I am watching the train coming. I start pleading. I am not ready yet! I just lost my way! My boys need me. I am not ready please I will pay more attention in life! I guess you really start to barging with God. My heart was beating so loud. I swear I couldn’t even hear the train. Damn it no one will believe I just got lost! Well I think about it yea they will. Damn it I can’t get my foot out!

close up photography of yellow alarm clock
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All of a sudden I hear familiar sound. Its my alarm! I open my eyes I am in my bed! WTF that was crazy dream. I woke happy to be alive. I didn’t care that boys left a mess last night. I was more then happy to clean it. I brought the dogs out and just sat there and let the morning sun hit me in my face. My heart was still beating super fast. I thanked God for today and every day. I guess some times you just have to lose your way. To realize what is important to you.

 

 

 

 

I just need you to know……

When I heard the news I just wanted to hear your voice. I just need to know your ok. There is no way for me to contact you. Trust me I tried every option. When you shut me out you boarded up the windows and the doors. I have held you so many nights while you cried. I can only image your pain now. Even though we have had zero contact in months. I think of you often. I may never ever speak to you again.  In my life I have lost a lot of friends. Losing you was the worst. We only new each other for a short amount of time. Some reason I just felt connected to you. I can only believe you did not feel the same. Since you were able to walk away from our friendship. My heart hurts for you, I just want to make sure your ok. I may never get my answer and that is something I have to live with. I can promise you, that if you pick up the phone in 2 years and call. I will answer. Friendships don’t expire. I connected with you the first time I met you. That I will never forget. Maybe just maybe you still follow my blogs. Most likely you do not. I believe when you cut me out of your life you cut every thing. Maybe some day you will read this and pick up the phone and I will answer. Till then I pray for you and your heart. I never nor will I ever forget about you. I just needed you to know…….

 

 

 

 

So many things I can’t say……

I love you to the end of time. No matter where you are or who you with I love you! I don’t want you to leave me. I feel like we are story with no end. Our love just started and it’s time for you to go. I no you have to do this.

Your new chapter of life begone I am not part of it. I am happy for you. I no this is what you need. That doesn’t help my broken heart. Time will fix it. I will be fine don’t worry about me.

Some day I will have a new chapter. I hope to be able to share it with some one. Wishing it was you but I no it won’t be. I understand and I do forgive you for leaving me behind. I understand I am not ready and you could not wait. I hope your life is full of happiness and you find some one to love.

I would never wish anything bad for you. Your a great person and your so brave. Your story alone will get you love. So just no who ever your with and no matter where you are. My heart is still with you. I want you to find love. I want you to finally feel like you belong. I am so sorry you did not feel complete here. Please don’t worry about me. Don’t feel bad for leaving me. I could not give you what you needed. For that I am sorry.

Please move on stress free you are free! I free you of my heart. Well kinda of I still will always love you. Don’t worry about me. Just move on to your new chapter in life. I will go on and love again. The time we spent I will never forget ever. I don’t regret any time we spent I only wish we had more. I honestly think I could love you forever. I feel if I could ever marry again it would be you.

I liked you the first day I met you. I checked you out before I ever went that night. I wanted you for 3 years. Your heart was not free.

You showed me love like I have never felt. You made me feel happy. Happier then I have ever been. I will never hate you. I just wish we had more time.

I wish I could of shared more of my life with you. I have so much to give and no one to give it to. If your stressed or sad or missing me just dance! Dance like no one is watching! Dance like I am there. No I am thinking of you. No I missing you no matter where or who I am with.

Days will turn in to months, months will turn in to years. No matter how much times goes by you will still be a part of me.

I want you to find love. It can’t be me so I hope you find the one. You deserve love. You have to much not to. Any one who was able to love you would tell you. You love like no other. I want happiness for you. No matter who it with.

I hope to find love again like with you. Not sure if it’s possible but who knows. The future we have no idea what will happen. Just call me and I will be there for you always. Always no I am here for you. No matter who I am with you will always come first. I love you now I loved you then I will love you always. Till we meet again on this side or the other…….

You will never know me

Who am I? No one will really ever no that. I am mom,worker, and a friend

None of them the same ever. I have different worlds all in one. I don’t think any one really knows me. The only person is me and only me. I can be who you need me to me at the moment. I can be happy Julie. I can be mean Julie. I can be fun Julie. I can be pissed off Julie.

I can be who you need me to be at the moment. That’s how I feel about my life. I never know who I am really. I can be who you need for the time. At times when I should feel happy. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. I feel like I don’t belong. It’s been a very long time since I felt complete. When I am in one place I feel like I should be some where else.

I would love to wake up one day not wanting to be some where else. Feeling like I belong where I am. Until I figure out my life this will be how it is. This stems from a years! When I was married being house wife and mom. I felt like I needed to be some where else.

Then I was left to be a single mom. The world was wide open. I was free finally! Was I happy?? Did I finally belong? No I don’t think I did. I still felt like I needed something else.

So I moved to a new city where I new no one! I needed that. It was good for a while I felt happy and complete. Now I am back to feeling like I need something else. I wake up feeling like I don’t belong here. Where do I belong? Where do I need to be? I hope to figure this out soon. Till then who am I ? I am who you need me to be at the moment….

Pretty kitty

When I go out roaming every one wants to pet me. They all say how pretty I am. Some of them like to pick me up and give me kisses. Some of them offer me really good food. Then they all let me go. No one ever wants to offer me a home. “I am to cute to be out on the streets”. That’s what they all say but no one is willing to even get to really no me. If they did they most likely would throw me back out any ways.

Ugh my body is sore and I feel so tired. It’s getting cold and I need to figure out my life. I am to old for this. I should have my life figured out by now. I should be a house cat. I shouldn’t be out here alone walking around.

I was out and about one day and I heard a small human say look mom a stray kitty. Wait what did she call me? A stay wtf that mean? Like homeless?? I heard the big human say don’t touch it could have disease. Wait what? Listen human it’s not my fault my owner left me! All the humans only want the little Kittys. Oddly so do all the damn “Tom cats “ want too.

What ever!!! I am am better then all those damn kittens. Yes I maybe lazy and like to sleep all the time and eat. I am just as cuddly as a kitten is. Well who am I fooling if you get to close I will hiss at you. Dear lord if ever try to grab I will bite you! Soooo maybe that’s why I am a “stray”

I better learn how to be cute and cuddly. Other wise I will be alone forever.

Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

Freedom

dawn sunset beach woman
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What is worth losing your freedom for? Have you ever really thought about it? Have you ever had to much to drink and yet still drive home? Just like that you could lose your freedom. One dumb night one dumb decision. Just like that you could be put in jail. I learned my leson when I was 20. I went out drinking and drove. I crashed my car(I loved that car). I don’t remember much but I very clearly remeber the sound of the slamming of the door. That sound I have never ever forgot.

grayscale photography of woman inside jail
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Is making money worth losing your freedon? Most people would say nope not me. I can guarantee that most people risk it every day. Either by making bad decisions or greed. What if you needed something to survive but didn’t have money for it?

For me no money in the world is worth chancing it. I live my life one paycheck away from being homeless. Is that a great way to live. Hell no it’s not. It’s stressful and hard. I no for sure the police will not lock me up for being broke. My son likes to argue this point. He believes that we give up our freedom by going to work every day. That every one is just doing what you are trained to do. 

I often wonder if the people who risk there freedom every day. If they have ever lost there freedom. If they no how it feels not to be able to leave. I can tell you it’s horrible. So I guess my question is how much are you willing to risk?

Losing a friend

Losing a friend hurts worse then any break up. I think when my ex am I got divorced. I missed him more as friend then my husband. It’s stupid things. Like being at the grocery store and finding they make something they would love. Eating something that they said you would never eat. Just wanting to share stupid things with you. I haven’t known you that long but the short time I did was fun. I miss talking to you.

We crossed lines we should of never of crossed. It may have caused me to lose what could of been a great friend. I hate that I lost you. I wish I could tell you how I am sorry I am. In time you won’t even remember me. You will move on to find a new friend some one who can do as asked.

Losing a friend is worse then breaking up…..

No where!

You ever feel like you don’t belong any there. When I am at home I feel like I don’t want to be there. When I am out I feel like I don’t want to be there. Well not that I don’t want to be there but that I don’t belong there. I feel like I am just going threw the motions of life. At no point do I feel complete.

Where do I belong ? I guess this is question I can not answer. There is no answer. My boys are getting old enough. They no longer need me. I am wandering around in this crazy world trying to find myself. Who am I? I have yet to figure that out. How do figure that out. For so long I was some one wife. A life time ago. Then I was the boys mom. I was the fun one. The crazy one. Really who am I?

Not sure if any one knows the real me. If people knew what I thinking I don’t think any one would like me. The thoughts that go threw my head are crazy. I have only let a few in. That ended not so good. One left the country and the other one not only shut me out. He blocked me from all contact.

After that I realized I can’t let any one in again. The wall must go up and stay up! No one is getting threw any more! Trust no one ever! They say they will never leave! They will and when they do they take another part of you with them. They will take and take till there is nothing left! The wall was up for so long.

This time I built it stronger. No one will get threw. I need to find myself before the wall ever comes down. Till then I go threw the motions of life. I can’t feel happy or sad. I just feel nothing. I can be who you want me to be for the moment. I hope to find where I belong..,,,

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