Fallen

They say cats always land on their feet. This time I don’t think so. I can’t get the strength to get back up. They say it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up. I’ve lost that power and am unsure if I will ever find it again. The simple words are you ok? The answer is no. I’m not ok at all. No one knows what to say to that. As if they expect you to say yes. There are about 7 billion people in this world, and I have found ones who really don’t give a shit. I always knew of the dangers, but I never thought they would hit me as they did. The ones I always thought would be there can’t be. I am entirely alone in this fight.

I’m sad, I’m scared, and I’m all alone. I want to be held and told it would be ok. Even though I know, it won’t be. What do you do when the only ones that can help you back up are the ones that broke you? I have no one to run to. I am truly alone! I’m just going to sit here and cry.

   I came to you broken, and you turned me away. I have fallen so hard I can’t get back up. You shut the door on me. I did nothing to deserve this except trust the wrong person. I didn’t even realize I could hurt so much. Are you ok? The word no meant nothing to you.

I’m just another kitty to you. Why I thought I was special, I don’t know. I never ask for anything. Tonight I needed you. You left me crying, unable to stand. I realize there is nothing you can do. I didn’t require you to fix me. I just needed you to hold me. That was too much to ask. My world has fallen apart. I laid down and prayed for the sun to come up. Unfortunately, nothing changed. This pain isn’t going away. How are 7 billion people in this world, and I am alone? No one seems to care that I am lost kitty with no one. I guess I’m not lost because no one is looking for me. This journey I’m on isn’t fun anymore.

  It’s raining and storming even though the sun is out. I can not see it threw all the darkness. I’m just going to lay here till the storm passes. I have no idea when that will be. How do you solve something that can’t be solved? How do you fix something that can’t be fixed? How do you see the light threw the darkness? How do I fight this fight alone? How do you fight demons you can’t see? How do you reach for help when no one can help?

This is a long dark journey ahead. I have to find the strength to get threw it. Choices were made. This will not be easy. I will fight till the end. God, please give me the strength to handle this.

One stormy night

  The day had turned into night. There was a storm coming. I could hear that loud noise in the sky. I knew what was coming next. The water will fall. Now I have been threw a lot of storms since you left me out here. Tonight was different. I was offered a nice warm place to stay.

This lovely man said what are you doing out this storm? I will take you in just for the night. He gave me something to eat and drink. He let me sleep on the bed. At first, I didn’t want to get too close, so I slept at the end of the bed. The ball was in the sky. The storm had passed. Out I went. For some reason, I kept thinking about that lovely place and wishing I could return. Then one night, I was out walking. I see him again. He says hey kitty, sleep inside tonight. I was confused. It’s not stormy. Was he out here looking for me?

He says no one can no you here, so if you see anyone hide. I have been hiding and running for three years, so that was no problem. Still totally confused about why I am here—not going to complain about the excellent food, a nice cool place to stay. This time I slept a little closer. Just like before, the morning came, and out I went. This time I didn’t roam very far just in case, he wanted me back. This felt different than anyone else who has let me in. He didn’t try to keep me. He made sure I was taken care of and let me go.

Every few nights, he would find me again and take me in. I am still confused about what to think. He never leaves food or water for me. I am not going to complain. I get out of the heat and get food, and he gives me lovely kisses. He talks to me and never tries to keep me. It seems like a perfect situation. Good things never last so going to make the most of it.

One night he came out for me. I, of course, never went too far in case he came for me. Duplicate all the other nights. Now oddly, at this point, I would usually be looking for a way out. Not this time. Maybe because he didn’t care if I left or stayed. Morning came, but this time, he said you could stay and hang with him today. Loung around all-day and not deal with the heat and search for food. Sounds great! Night came, and now I wanted out! I wanted to make sure I could still get out. He said ok kitty you can go see you soon.

Not sure how long it was, but it had been a while, and he had not come to get me. I was sad. I figured he decided not to break his rules of no kitties. Then one night, I showed up and just sat there. He came out and said come on in, kitty. He told me he had been busy. I was just happy to sleep in a bed tonight!

I have been able to hang inside all day a few times and many nights and still confused about where I belong. I’m pretty sure if I went away, he would not look for me. I’m not sure if he would even miss me. For right now, I have a safe place from storms……..

The other woman

So women always fear “the other woman.”  What happens if you were always the “other woman.” I somehow have fallen into this role most of my life. I became the person people hate. “The other woman.” I’m really not sure why or when it started.  I have been single on my own for so long. I really don’t even remember how it feels to have a partner—someone to share your life with. I must give out that vibe. I’m the fun girl, not the girl they chose long-term. Oddly was like before marriage. I was married for 12 long years. Then I was set free! I fell right back into my role. Always single. Do I like being the other woman? It’s not like I set out looking to be. I guess I kind of like the fact they will never get attached. I still have the freedom to do what I want.

• 

Maybe it’s the thrill of it. I’m not really sure. I do know why I never trust anyone. I tried finding Mr. Right, but my Mr. Right was someone else’s. That seemed to be the theme of my life. I gave in and decided just go with it. For most of my life, I am just single. Do I fear I will be forever? Yes, for sure. How will life change if it has yet to this far? Will I always be “the other woman”? Or will I find a guy who chooses me? Someone who will see all the love I have to give. Who will see past the damaged heart? Someone who helps me change the path of destruction that I am on. I guess we shall see, but for now, I will continue to live free!

Run kitty run

Ugh, it’s cold again! I am out in the cold ! No one cares! Why do people think cats don’t feel pain! Well, we do, and we get sad when you leave us. When you throw us out in the cold and never come for us. We are scared and sad. Not any cat can take our place. We are all not the same! I am out in this damn cold because some other cat took my place! They are not me, and they can never replace me. Humans are so cruel! They take us in show us this great life then just throw us away. Trust me if I see that cat there will be a fight!

How dare she to take what I had! But then again, your just to blame! How dare you throw me out with no care. You just figured someone else would save me. Well, guess what, no one did. You moved on, and I am out roaming in this cold alone. Are you happy??? Happy that I am sad? Glad that I am alone, scared, and cold? Why would you care? You have another kitty. You had another kitty before you even kicked me out. Hoping I would be someone else’s problem. Well, don’t worry, you are free of me. I have stopped searching for you. I will never have that feeling of being safe again. I will always be on the run.

I know better than to trust, but sometimes I forget. The comfort takes over, and guards come down. I am too old for this. I should be warm and being taken care of. Instead, I am out here in the damn cold. At least my heart is safe!

#fuck2020

I can’t say anything more than serious fuck off 2020! So what has happened in this year of hell? First of all, we lost our freedom. Never ever did I ever see the day that would happen. When did you ever think leaving your house would be a crime? Something that was supposed to be two weeks has gone on for eight months and still counting! My son lost his best friend to suicide. He was 19! I lost my income. We were trapped in the United States. We are forced to wear masks to hide our faces. My poor beloved bunny died. Half of the world was on unemployment. I now have a fear of going out in large crowds. I got involved in politics since our freedom was taken. I wanted to understand what the fuck was going on. I wish more people would of. Maybe we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in now. I realized people are clueless. I learned how sheltered people are. It’s actually terrifying that people believe the media.

Sadly I have realized that I live in a different world than most of my friends. For starters, I live in the hood. I also love it! Most of my friends won’t even come to my house. It’s sad the sheltered life they live. They will never see what I see. They will never learn what I have. Oddly I don’t judge them for living sheltered lives, but yet they judge me. How can you judge something that you have never lived? I used to live my life like all of them. I would never go back. Having to shelter in place, I had a lot of time to think. I am definitely the odd man out of all my friends. Has this caused me to be more distant? Yes, I would definitely say so. Would I realize this if we weren’t forced to stay home? No, most likely not. Do I still love all my friends? Yes, of course. The smartest friend I have. Left this fucking country a year and a half ago. I know for a fact he would also say fuck 2020! He has had a rough year for sure.

The world has gotten mean! Everyone is pissed! For an excellent reason. They have lost loved ones and could not say good-bye. So many people have lost their lives. People have lost their jobs, houses, business and the list goes on. I feel horrible for everyone. Unfortunately, 2021 isn’t looking very bright either. I am shocked at how many people are willing to give up their freedom. Then again, if you live a sheltered life and watch media. They really have no idea what is going on. I recently had a friend say only the uneducated voted for freedom. I can’t even comment on that….

For all of you that work in the medical field, for all you workers on the front line. My heart goes out to you. For all of you who have lost your business. For all of you who have lost your job. For all of you have lost their house. For all of you who lost love ones. I will pray for you in 2021. The well-educated people chose they didn’t want freedom……..

No!!!!!!!

A word I have such a hard time saying! How do you tell someone I don’t want you to pick me up! Is it because I’m so little and cute? At first, it’s ok. Can’t you tell I am squirming around? Can you not see I am uncomfortable? Sometimes I will just sit there and deal with it. Then I get annoyed. I yell and scream, and I may even scratch you. I don’t mean it, but I just couldn’t tell you NO! I don’t want to upset you. I know you just want to love on me. You mean no harm. I wish to be left alone. You have to wait for me to want you to pick me up. I can not guarantee that I will. ……

Just because I am out here roaming this world alone doesn’t mean I need you or even want you. Your not my owner, who left me. You can never be him. I may have forgotten how his voice sounded. I may have forgotten how I loved him to hold me. I am 100 percent positive if I ever see him again, he can pick me up. I search for him daily. I go back to the place he left me. He isn’t there. I know people don’t mean to upset me. I just don’t understand why they always want to pick me up! You can talk to me and pet me. Well, not always. Sometimes I wish to be left alone. I know I will walk this world alone unless I change my ways. But I am an old cat, and I don’t see that happening. There are days that I am sad and all I want is someone to pick me up and cuddle me. Those days are usually the days no one is around or cares that I am sad and lonely.

Words I can’t stand. You’re too cute and friendly to be a stray. Why do they assume I don’t like being a stray? I tried the house cat thing. I failed at it and ended back out on the streets. I believe this is where I belong. Why do they assume that I need someone? I mean, I miss the excellent food I used to get. Having to search for food every day gets tiring. I miss the nice comfy bed I would sleep in. Mainly I miss having someone love me. I have gotten catnapped before. They picked me up and brought me in a thing that went fast. It took me days to escape, and when I did, I had no idea where I was. It took me days to get back in my hood. I do have to run away from the pet police. If they get a hold of me, an old kitty like me doesn’t stand a chance to make it out alive. Will I give in one day and be a house kitty again? I guess time will tell. For right now, there are enough Tomcats to keep me happy. So if you see a cute kitty, don’t assume they want you to pick them up. You may say, why not just run away? The truth is profound down, I am really a scared kitty, and I really like attention and miss it so much. When receiving attention, I like it a lot. I know it’s false and short-lived. So I take what I can get for a short about of time.

Running from something or chasing something…..

I was on the plane, and a man sat next to me. Maybe he could see tears in eyes, perhaps not. He says, are you running from something or are chasing something? I said both. He said, please explain we have a 14-hour flight. You seem like you have an exciting story. I laughed and said if I started from the beginning, we need longer then 14 hours.

I said, well, would you like to hear what am I running from? Or would you rather listen to what I am chasing first? He said I want to know the past before the future.

I am running from a lot of bad decisions. Not sure why I made the choices I did. I caused myself a lot of pain. He said, why what did you do. Well, for starters, I chose to put people in my life that really shouldn’t have been in there. I never tell people when they hurt me. I just walk away. My life is full of people that have taken a piece of me away. I learned the hard way a friend can’t be ”lost.” No one can take away your true friend. I have met so many great people in every state. I have lived in. As one of my friends says, this too shall pass soon, and all will be great again! I hear those words daily. I often wonder if people know they hurt me as badly as they do. Or if they even care. He said, well, why don’t you tell them? Why? Then they would be nice again? Why would I want that I already saw their true colors? I feel like I kind of have a gift I see more than most. He says, how is that? I see people for who they are, for most people can not. I also know more than most people think I do.

I have only really trusted one guy with my heart. He says I assume it didn’t go well because he isn’t here. Once again, he was more important to me than I was to him. That is a very big pattern in my life. He planed a whole life without me and left. I mean it was great I wish I could have done it, but I had kids. If I were important to him, he would have waited for me. I would have waited for him. That’s just how my life has gone. Always there for everyone and no one there for me. Well, my parents and boys, I would have nothing if it weren’t for them.

I feel like I lived so many different lives. He says, why do you say that? Well, I have been broke and rich. I have married and single. He says, wait, you have been married? Is he the one you trusted with your heart? Sadly no. He was the cause of a lot of heartache in my life. That being said, he gave me the two best things no one else could. He gave me my boys. So far, he is the only man to put up for me for that long. I believe I was only supposed to marry once and only have my two boys. I believe there was a plan. There is a definite pattern in life. The only one that doesn’t fit is marriage and kids.

You’re going to have to explain that more he said. Since the age of like 14 till now. I never really dated anyone long term ever. The only person I did I married. I am usually not the girl people pick to date. Not sure why? Thinking it must be my personality or lifestyle. Maybe the only reason the one guy that stole my heart was because he the only one ever to pick me. Then again, in his mind, I was short term till his next life. So really, he wasn’t much different than the rest just better at hiding it. I think every time someone decides, I am not good enough to be there girlfriend; they take a piece of me away. I stopped even looking because of this. I was afraid there would be nothing left of me. It’s sad to me because I have so much to give. He asked, what does that mean? When I love someone as a friend or boyfriend, I take care of them.

More importantly, the worse of my patterns is losing ”friends.” Nothing worse than being betrayed by a friend, nothing. I hold a lot of pain in me. So much pain, I am starting not to know myself anymore.

He says, what do you mean by that? I figured everyone couldn’t be wrong, so it has to be me. The problem has to be me. How do I change me? How do I be the girl guys want to date how do I be that friend won’t get betrayed? I have yet figured out that question.

So you ask what I am running from? I am running from myself. I have already done this once before. I am hoping this time will be even better. He asked what you have done before? The boys and I moved far away from every one started new. Fresh Start! That’s how I know it’s me. The problem is with me. The only problem is I have no idea how to fix it. He says maybe stop running and tell them how bad they hurt you? I believe in Karma and for all who have wronged me will get what they should. I also thank them all for making me who I am today. Who knows maybe they will read my blog one day and realize what they have done. That’s interesting you write a blog? I said, yes, I do. He asks what I will be in your blog? You will be the man sitting next to me on a plane. Interesting…

O my God

Looking at the pictures I keep on my shelf
‘Cause it’s been so long since I’ve looked like myself
Burn another candle down
Burn another candle down
Running low on patience, running low on fumes
I’m never gonna make it halfway to the moon
But it’s too late to turn around
But it’s too late to turn aroundI’m running out of oxygen
I’ll never be the same again now
Same again nowOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Oh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?Maybe I was foolish, I guess I was naive
I didn’t know what I had, and I thought I had to leave
I wish that I was homeward bound
I wish that I was homeward bound
I’m searching for a signal, holding out my phone
Have I gone too far, am I on my own?
No one here to hold me now
No one here to hold me nowI’m running out of oxygen
Can’t help but wish I’d stayed
I’m lost just like Will Robinson
Or rocket man in spaceOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Oh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Mm, mm
Mm, mm
Mm, mmOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
Who I was just last December
Oh my godOh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Mm, mm
Mm, mm

Song by Alec Benjamin

How did I get here?

How do I keep getting myself in these situations? I am too old to be running around, trying to find out where I belong. I should be fat and happy house cat by now. Sadly I don’t believe my guy is coming back for me. I have many dreams where he finds me. I have forgotten how his voice sounds. I wonder if he even remembers me. I am sure he has other Kittys now. I thought I was special, but I guess I am not. I used to search for him. I know I have been everywhere. Why did he have to leave me? I know he said he had to go far away. But why????

There was a bad storm, the wind and rain were so scary. I found a safe place to watch. I hope all my friends did, ok. I have been walking around haven’t seen them yet. I wonder if my guy knows that there was a storm. That I had to brave it all alone, I always wonder why house Kittys always want to get out; I just want to get in a house. If they had any idea how hard and scary it is out there, they would change their minds.

I do have to say the few times I have been taken in. I did get a little bored. I do like to roam around. Maybe I’m not a good house cat. Perhaps I was born to roam freely. I do have so much love to give. I do love taking care of everyone. I just figured at this time in my life things would have come together. Well another storm is in the sky. Going to run and hide.

Lost in this crazy world

Lately, I am just lost. I can’t find myself. I’ve been taken in and thrown out so many times. I have just given up. I can’t find someone to love me if I can’t love myself. I used to wake up with a purpose. Now it just seems like I roam around. It even looks like all the tomcats have found someone.

Not sure how I got there but managed to find one of the places I used to stay. I saw her sitting in my window. The place I sat a year ago. I wonder why she got chosen, and I got thrown out. I sat and watched awhile until my heart hurt. I realized I would never be selected. I will most likely walk this world alone. Am I that bad of a Kitty? Lots of people stop and pet me, and they even give me food. Then they just move on. I often wonder if anyone ever thinks about me. If anyone ever misses me. I wonder if they ever see me out and feel sorry they threw me out. Most likely not. They all have cats of there own. There are just too many cats. I need to go somewhere that I am the only cat available.

I just keep running around this place. It seems like I am running in circles. No day looks different. All my days look the same. I have given up hope. I just have to figure out how to roam this world alone.

There seems to be a storm coming. I guess today will be a new adventure. I am going to find some food and run and hide. I really wish I had someone who let me stay in and keep me dry.