Good in the hood

If I had all the money in world I would still rather live in the hood. People who have never had to hustle just to pay a bill. Would never ever understand the hood. I literally have friends who will never ever even come to my house. Does it offend me? Nope not in the slightest. Do I think it’s funny when people say well not in my neighborhood lol! That goes just like nope not my husband he would never! 15 years ago I was that person. I have learned you can live in the safest hood possible and not be safe. You can have the best marriage ever and still have it go to shit. I swear l laugh so hard when people say. I no where my hubby or wife is every minute. They could never. O how wrong they are. I love this one there aren’t any drugs or crime where I live. I have literally fallen down laughing. If they only had a clue.

Who am I to bust there bubble? Maybe there lies keep them happy at night. Maybe it’s like you really don’t want to no the answer so you don’t ask the questions? People literally will live there whole life living in there bubble. The problem is it only takes one sharp edge to make your bubble fall apart.

You ever ask your self why you get up every morning and go to a job you hate? I can tell you why. That is what we are taught. Go to work earn money. Slave your self just to get a paycheck. Just to pay the bills. Why because that’s the American dream right????

I can tell you right now when my youngest is 18. The 3 of will no longer be in this country. For now I am doing what I have to do. Will I ever go to job that I hate nope! Will I have to sell shit to pay a bill yep! Do I live in the hood yep! Am I happy? Yes!!! I do not need to live the American dream with the white fucking picket fence! Before long the government will be telling you what job you must work. In this “free” country that we live in. My next blog will be about how “free” we are. Till then it’s all good in my hood!

Where are you???

You have me searching all over this town for you. Where are you?? Are you hurt some where??? I try calling you no answer. I text nothing…

O wait you have just been ghosted! Why do people think this ok? When did this become a normal thing. When did a break up text become a thing. What is wrong with people!? I can’t under stand. Do people ever grow up?? Am I going to be playing these stupid games in my 60″s?? Dear lord I hope not!

There is gotta to be a better way. I am so tired of dating. Ugh!!! My friends say then don’t date. Well what other options do I have? I don’t want to be alone forever. Dating is like gardening you have to weed out all the bad stuff. I don’t have time to garden. I just want the good stuff.

After another bad date or getting ghosted. I become to hate my ex husband. I should not be dealing with this shit in my 40″s. Then I think of all the fun I have. I get less angry at him. I mean the last 9 years I have done more then I did when I was with him. So really I should thank him in some ways.

My real question is do men ever grow up??? Do they ever stop the games? I mean really why ghost some one? Just say what you want! We are all adults and we can handle it.

Have I ever been the one that ghosted some one? I am guilty of it too. Not sure why I do it. I guess it’s easier to hit block. Then say your to old, weird, short,needy, and best of all boring. I hate being mean to people. I never want to hurt any one.

Have I become a serial dater? God I hope not. Maybe I should start drinking coffee lol. What am I looking for?? I hate this question. I want to say I have no idea. I really don’t but when I find it I will let you no.

I wish there was an app to build the perfect guy. Like mr potato head. Wouldn’t that be great!

I don’t drink coffee!

Apparently I must now add that to my online profile. The list is long. The things I like todo with a list of things I don’t like. I now cut and paste my profile. Ugh online dating in your 40s sucks!!!!

If people could just be honest on what they want it would be a lot easier. You would think that men in there 40s and 50s would be out of the hook up stage. Wrong!!! Worse they lie about it.

For the longest I just removed myself from all sites. I gave up I did a year or longer single. It was great. After awhile it gets lonely and boring. I go back on there . I find the same bs games as before. I then pull myself back off. Ugh!!!!

I am like screw it if games is what they want to play. Then damnit let’s play! I will sit threw horrible dates praying that lunch or dinner is over. You want to meet for coffee??? Wtf when did that become a thing. Why don’t we go to McDonald’s drive threw? Then right to your house? Has it really came to this. A man can’t even buy you a meal any more? I feel like telling them no let’s meet for water. Then at no point do I owe you anything at all.

I can spot a serial dater that’s what my friend calls them lol. They say let’s meet for coffee. Serial dater doesn’t want to keep wasting money on meals. I once had a guy say you can come to my house and cook for me . Wtf should I be barefoot and pregnant too.

The drop off that pisses me off more then anything. For no reason they just stop responding. No reason nothing just ghosted. Then some times they will send a random text like 4 months later really???? Like wtf um no. One of my blogs will be 50 worst dates. I will do 10 on each. They are all true even though you won’t believe how bad they are.

This is one thing I hate my friends have also complained about this. They lie about how tall you they are. Like really dude if we meet you we will no your not 5″9. What do you think? Your going to win us over with your great personality. Right off the bat we no your a lier. If this a “coffee” date that would be worse!

Stranger in the night

I was walking home alone late at night. Something you have told me not to all the time. I get my phone out. I go to call you. Its way to late and I know with her. You will never answer. So I keep walking, the streets are so dark and it quiet. I can hear traffic in the was distance. I start to get scared not sure why. I have walked this road so many times. I hear foot steps behind me. I can tell they far back. I don’t dare look behind me I don’t want to see who it is.

I start to walk faster, the footsteps start to walk faster. Now panic sets in. I pull out my phone. I walk faster and cross the street. I hear nothing for a minute. Then I hear him he is now closer then he was before. Should I turn around and see who it is. Its so hot and I start to sweat. Maybe its all in my head maybe no was is there. I see some one a head of me. Maybe they are meeting each other and has nothing to do with me. I cross the street again. I walk by the other person seems to pay me no attention. Not sure if he can see the panic on my face. I hope not. Now I hear the footsteps even closer. They did not say word to other man on the corner.

I pull out my phone I call my son to come meet me. I call no answer. I call my other son again no answer. I start to leave a voice mail. I start talking to it and tell him what street I am on. If you get this message please come meet me. I hope he could hear me talking. That he knows someone is coming. I now have sweat poring down my face. I am wondering if I should start to run. I stop to look at my phone thinking if the footsteps stop then I am in trouble.

I hear nothing should I just turn around? I really don’t know what to do. I now start running after sending a text to my son with my location. The foot steps start running. Out of no where I hear mom! OMG my boys they came

I am out of breath I have tears running down my face. My son says mom there isn’t anyone there. I said maybe you scared them away. He said mom we saw you walking and then start running. There was no one there.

They walk me home. My heart is still beating so loud that it sounds like its beating outside my chest. I guess I should of turned around. Why was I so scared to see him. Was any one even there. Who was following me? Why?

Your Last Breath

We cried while holding you. We could tell you were slipping away. I told you, “Just be free baby.” We loved you up to your last breath. My poor son was crying non stop. He thought it was his fault that you had to leave us so early. You can’t speak to us. We tried to always make you happy. We don’t understand why you had to leave us so early. I hope you know that we loved you so much.

I swear the other night I saw you running around. You were always so happy just running in and out of closets. I hope you did not feel pain. If only you could talk we would have known you were sick. I was holding my son as we laid down to rest. I never seen him cry like this before. He loved you with all his heart. Him hurting is making my heart hurt, even worse.

Learning about death is horrible. Watching your son cry is the worst. I can’t fix this. No matter what I do. I can’t bring her back. I hate that you had to go so soon. I hope you know we loved you. Be free baby I hope to see you up in heaven.

What if?

Have you ever wondered what if I didn’t do something, how different would my life be? What was the reason I met this person? Is it fate? Is it just the way it was supposed to be? The night I re-met my, now ex-hubby, I wasn’t even suppose to go out. My friend called me at the last minute and asked me to join him. I remember this so clear, because I have gone over it hundred times in my head. I really didn’t want to go out at all. It was like something in me said that I had to go. I then sat out on my car for an hour, waiting for my friend to come. He was running late because he had car trouble, so it’s odd that I stayed and waited.

He was literally leaving the next week for New York. He had his orders and everything was planned. It all changed after that night.

After that night we will go on to be married for 12 years, have two kids, and many houses.

What if and why? Why did I go? Did someone have plans for us, and we don’t know it? I do not believe we meet people by accident. I believe there is a reason for everything. Sometimes we just have to figure it out…like a puzzle.

This is a story that, until now, I have only shared with close friends. I was working one night, and a guy came to work with me. I instantly felt a connection; one that I have never felt with my husband. Yes, I was still very married, and I just had my youngest he was 4 months old.

He must have felt the connection, too. He smiled at me,  and from there, it was an emotional affair. I was totally ignored by my hubby, because I had just become a wife and mother of kids. The physical and metal abuse was at its all time high.

While the boys were playing,or taking naps, I would find him online we would chat for hours. It had been so long since I felt wanted. I felt excited to go to work, and we would have dinner together. I can not explain the connection I felt with him, but as fast as I met him, it was just as fast as I lost him.

I went to sign onto the computer one day, like have for maybe 6 months. He was offline and offline he will stay. Why???? I now believe he was there to test me; to see how far I would go. Oddly, my ex knew nothing of any of this… nothing at all. But after this, I realized that I did love my husband, well, as much as I ever did. We were strong, and I felt we had busted through a wall that he never even knew was there.

I wonder are we connected to people for a reason? Who has a plan for us and what is the plan? If I never went in to that bar that night, where would I be today? Have I ever came into someones life and changed their world, without even knowing that I did?

Was I ever someones test? Have I ever changed anyone’s path? I sometimes wish I could see the world without me in it, like being able to watch it, just see how I made a difference in this crazy world.

Next time you meet someone think, “Why? Why was this person put in my life?”

The Other Cat

One day I was out sunning myself by the window. I looked up and I saw another cat! I swear, from the photos I saw, I thought that was the cat the man had said he had lost! There she was looking in the window. He had warned me that she might come back around. He explained on how he had spent years chasing her all around town. She was just never happy at his house. I guess she thought that she could find a bigger house, a better house, or somebody else that could love her more. For some reason I never believed him. I always thought she was make believe. But there she was just watching in the window. Not sure what happened next but I obviously laid down and took a nap. The next thing I knew, the man was coming through the door. Somehow he could just tell that I was upset, even though I hadn’t said anything. He said, “Don’t worry about her. She’ll never be allowed back into my house. You’re the only kitty I want in my bed.”

I remember a story he had told me about how this other kitty had ran away. He had searched and searched, but finally he just gave up…until a big storm came. I remember this storm. My cats lost most of their trees and they were so scared. Of course, I came to there recuse and got them safe from this bad storm.

This kitty went back to his house; I guess she felt safe with him for the moment. He told me, “I guess I was just so happy she had came back, I didn’t realize she would just run off again. I told her how much I cleaned up the house and fixed up some stuff. She seemed happy for a little while. Then next thing I new she jumped the fence and was happy in another house.”

If she is so happy why is she looking in my window?! I don’t share my house! So go run, wild kitty! You’re not welcome here no more! I’m not sure why she would rather run around the town rather then be safe. I have been out there for many years. You are always on the look-out. There are always bigger cats trying to get you…or dogs. I felt like I was always running from cars, and people.


I was always looking for food, and just trying to stay away from things that would hurt me. Now I had found my safe place I would never run away from this house. He would have to kick me out. I seemed to make him happy, and I was the happiest I have ever been. So go away other kitty! You had a great house. You chose to leave it…….

Stormy Weather

The sun was shining, yet I felt dark inside. My world was falling apart around me. I wanted to just lay in bed forever. But knowing that I had to get up, and take care of the boys and go to work, I wiped the tears from my eyes, and got up like my world had not fallen apart. I fed the boys breakfast, and got then to school, then cried all the way to work.

I put my makeup and smile on, and off to work I went. This routine would continue for a long time. My life as I knew it was over. My horrible divorce had gone public on Facebook.

Many years I went just faking happy. I would cry in the shower, so the boys would not how bad I hurt. They were the innocent victims in this war. Many nights I would lay awake wondering, “How can I do this alone?” And I blamed myself because I felt I had failed as a wife, and they lost their dad.

Then came the darkest day of my life ever….I came home from work and there was a foreclosure sign on our door. So I made game of it with my boys. “Let’s sell whatever we can to make money” I said, and we started looking for a place to rent in the smallest town ever. That was hard.We found a small house to rent and I was able to keep the boys in the same school; for that I was thankful.

By this point, my ex and his soon-to-be wife had moved 45 minutes away. Being with her was more important then helping me raise his kids. Thank God for some of the best friends I have ever met. Everyone helped out getting boys to sports, and school, and home.

Since my life had gone public, everyone knew everything. What no one knew is how dark I felt. I threw on a happy face and played the happy person, but every day I was struggling with the darkness that set in. At what point will the sun shine again in me?

It would be years of darkness until I felt the sun shine on me again…..

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