Big storm coming

I felt a big storm coming. I was scared. Felt like nothing before. I came to you. You were not there. I didn’t expect you to be. I mean I wanted you to call for me. I wanted you to hold me.

Thank God it was raining. It hid my tears. I was sad and scared, and all I wanted was you. When did I become weak that I needed you? Why did I want to be in your arms? Tomorrow, the sun will shine and I will be fine.

The storm is terrible, and you don’t look for me. What did I do to make you not care? I am used to this. It doesn’t make the pain hurt worse.

I realize I am just a cat. No one seems to care. It’s a cat. It will land on its feet. Who cares if it’s left out in the rain? I am used to this by now. I am strong. This storm has felt different than all the rest. For once, I was scared, and I wanted to be safe. I will have to find that on my own. I need to find my safe place.

A storm will pass. The sun will come out and tomorrow will be better. You don’t need someone to help you. Your journey is your own. You make your journey the way it is…….

I just need you to know……

When I heard the news I just wanted to hear your voice. I just need to know your ok. There is no way for me to contact you. Trust me I tried every option. When you shut me out you boarded up the windows and the doors. I have held you so many nights while you cried. I can only image your pain now. Even though we have had zero contact in months. I think of you often. I may never ever speak to you again.  In my life I have lost a lot of friends. Losing you was the worst. We only new each other for a short amount of time. Some reason I just felt connected to you. I can only believe you did not feel the same. Since you were able to walk away from our friendship. My heart hurts for you, I just want to make sure your ok. I may never get my answer and that is something I have to live with. I can promise you, that if you pick up the phone in 2 years and call. I will answer. Friendships don’t expire. I connected with you the first time I met you. That I will never forget. Maybe just maybe you still follow my blogs. Most likely you do not. I believe when you cut me out of your life you cut every thing. Maybe some day you will read this and pick up the phone and I will answer. Till then I pray for you and your heart. I never nor will I ever forget about you. I just needed you to know…….

 

 

 

 

Some one I used to know

I walked in I saw you, I could tell you did not see me. I slipped away in the crowd. I saw you put your hand on her back just like you have done with me. I remember how great that used to feel. You are just some one I used to know. We went from friends to lovers to some one I used to know. Thank god it’s crowded in here. I can blend in with out you seeing me. I am not ready to be your friend or meet my replacement. I watched you from across the room for awhile. Can’t tell if I felt angry or sad. I feel sad that I lost you as my friend. I wanted to run up to you and hug you. Knowing that would not be ok with him. I have no idea what he would do if he seen me.

While I stand here alone and he is with her. Makes me upset that I have no one to put there hand on my back or to dance with.

I will walk out quietly. To make sure you don’t hear me or see me. I walk to my next place of choice since this one is taken. I wonder is she knows any thing about me? How you lied and hurt me. Worse you abandoned me! Sad to think you were my friend . I will go on to enjoy my night. I will be with real friends that don’t leave me!

How????

You say, “Don’t be sad.” How?!? You plan your future without me. But yet, I am laying next to you. With every day of more and more hurt, its like being dead and watching someone plan your funeral.

You say, “Aren’t you happy for me?” Um, No. I am not. How could I be? Your life won’t have me in it. There is nothing making you go; only just to do it. Hurt doesn’t even to begin to explain what I feel. Sad doesn’t either. Knowing you are choosing to leave and plan a future without me; words can’t even explain how it feels.

Maybe I was what you needed; for so long, everyone hurt you. I get to be the person you destroy; you get to be the one this time. I understand I am nothing to you; just someone to pass time along until your dream became a reality. Can I ever forgive you for hurting me like this? No! I can’t. The day you leave will be the last time I see you.

How stupid of me to let my heart heal. You are no different then everyone else. The fact that you’re leaving is one thing, but to plan a whole future without me, is unforgivable.

I am glad I got to be the one. It’s been so long since I felt anything at all. I will enjoy the time we have left, but don’t ask me to be happy for you. I will not throw you a party. I don’t want you to go. Your time is not done here, yet. I hope your life is all, and more than you want. I would never wish you anything less. Just understand what your leaving behind. You’re so busy planing your future, you’re forgetting who is standing next to you…..

If cats could cry

If cats could cry, my whiskers would soaked with tears. The other night when you were crying, I licked your tears away. Wishing I could also cry. I finally found a safe place to stay; a place I would love to call home. All you say is you can’t wait to leave. You don’t have to leave me, but you choose to. Why do you still hold me and tell me you miss me while your gone? I have never done any thing wrong. All I did was let you play with me. I purr the minute I see you. I never want morning to come. With each night that passes, you get closer and closer to leaving me. Don’t you worry that someone might take me? What if I get lost and starve to death? How could you just leave me, and not care?

I know there is another cat waiting for you there. She won’t be anything like me. I am the best cat out there, and you have me. You’re just going throw me out and leave? Why??!? What on earth did I do so wrong? I look at you with sad eyes. I love you and I don’t want you to go. All I can do is show you. If cats could cry…..

Fight For Me!

That’s all I ever wanted was someone to fight for me! Choose me! Love me! Pick me! No one ever fights for me; they just leave me! They walk away without a fight. I am never the one!

The movie My Best Friend’s Wedding comes to mind, when she calls her best friend, and she is asking, “Who is chasing who? and what is going on?” Her best friend asks, “Well, who is chasing you?” No one was. She only realized it, after he said it. She could just pull over, and no one would care. She was the one chasing them; they were not chasing her.

Will I ever find it? Most likely not. Just like everyone has given up fighting for me, I have given up looking for someone. I won’t even put up a fight when you leave me. When I see someone fighting so hard to keep someone happy, I think how nice it would be just to have one person in my life fight for me like that.

Just like every rose has its thorns, just like every cowboy singes a sad. sad song, life will move on. I remember my uncle telling me a story about swans, how when they mate they stay together, forever. If one of them passes away, the one swan will live alone for the rest of their life. I remember thinking, “How beautiful and sad is that?” Maybe I am like a swan? Maybe I had my mate and now I am alone? Alone I will stay forever. As I aleays say, nothing is forever, except death.

My Heart

I told my heart to never love again. Nope. Never. If only it was that easy. How can you control your heart? I can not change it when it happens.

When you feel it, there is no stopping it. You can say, “Nope!” all day; “It’s not true!” when you feel it. The feeling is real. The love is there. When I am happy I want to tell you. When I am sad I want to tell you. I think about you all the time. The feeling is there and I just can’t stop my heart. I know the feeling is not received. That is ok. When I lay in your arms I feel safe. My heart feels healed. I just want to lay in your arms forever. It’s too soon to feel so safe. I just feel complete with you. I feel there are secrets that lie between us. When I am with you, they all disappear. The world just goes away and just you and I.

I have never felt this way before; safe and happy. The connection between us is so powerful that others have seen it for years. When I with you, I feel like nothing matters but us. I know you feel the power we have. I am at peace with you. I act tough like I don’t care, but I do. You have made me weak again. My heart has opened up. I can’t just close it.

Our future dreams are different and thought of you leaving me haunts me in my dreams. I tell my heart, “Do not love again!” but it won’t listen this time.

I remind my heart of the last loss we had and how it hurt so bad. I flash back to that scared girl crying on the floor, being left with nothing. Then I remember I became so strong after that.

I don’t know how much fight I have left in me and how many times my heart can get hurt. I must live for the moment, and not the future. Don’t worry what you can’t change. Enjoy what you have. Don’t cry about what might be

You know the saying, “Dance like there’s nobody watching, love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like there’s nobody listening”? If I had tattoo, that’s what it would be!

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