Big storm coming

I felt a big storm coming. I was scared. Felt like nothing before. I came to you. You were not there. I didn’t expect you to be. I mean I wanted you to call for me. I wanted you to hold me.

Thank God it was raining. It hid my tears. I was sad and scared, and all I wanted was you. When did I become weak that I needed you? Why did I want to be in your arms? Tomorrow, the sun will shine and I will be fine.

The storm is terrible, and you don’t look for me. What did I do to make you not care? I am used to this. It doesn’t make the pain hurt worse.

I realize I am just a cat. No one seems to care. It’s a cat. It will land on its feet. Who cares if it’s left out in the rain? I am used to this by now. I am strong. This storm has felt different than all the rest. For once, I was scared, and I wanted to be safe. I will have to find that on my own. I need to find my safe place.

A storm will pass. The sun will come out and tomorrow will be better. You don’t need someone to help you. Your journey is your own. You make your journey the way it is…….

Fat cat

So I hear someone say, look at that fat cat! I look around. Who are they talking about? I don’t see any other cats. Wait! They are talking about me! When did I become that fat cat?

Well, damn, no one wanted me when I was thin. Now, who would want a fat old cat? I was walking by a mirror, and I was like, who is that fat cat walking by me. OMG!!! That’s me! Well, damn, when did this happen? All these humans feed me all this yummy food. All these stupid Tom cats want the thin young kittys. Well what about us old fat cats?

I haven’t seen a Tomcat in so long! They are all chasing these young cats. I once was one of those cute thin kittys. I am chasing my forever. I am tired of running these streets alone. I’m tired and cold! Now I am this fat old cat. Who will ever take in this old fat cat? I miss my warm bed. I miss being with my forever.

I always wonder what I did to be left alone. What did I do so wrong? I have so much love to give. Time is running out. I may never be able to give it. I may have to travel this life alone.

I was so complete in your bed. Life just seemed right. You left me and made me live on the street. Life has never been right again. I never thought I could feel like I did with you. You just left me without any care. Do you care that I am out here all alone? I may never find you again. You need to know what you did by throwing me out.

I have gone to our old home. There are others there. They don’t like me. They say go away kitty. I just want to go back. I want to cuddle with you on the couch and watch a storm come in. I want to be inside and not the outside.

The fact I may never find my forever again. I hate being out here alone. I am sad fat old kitty. No one wants to take in. What did I do so wrong? I need to know so I never do it again.

Where are you???

You have me searching all over this town for you. Where are you?? Are you hurt some where??? I try calling you no answer. I text nothing…

O wait you have just been ghosted! Why do people think this ok? When did this become a normal thing. When did a break up text become a thing. What is wrong with people!? I can’t under stand. Do people ever grow up?? Am I going to be playing these stupid games in my 60″s?? Dear lord I hope not!

There is gotta to be a better way. I am so tired of dating. Ugh!!! My friends say then don’t date. Well what other options do I have? I don’t want to be alone forever. Dating is like gardening you have to weed out all the bad stuff. I don’t have time to garden. I just want the good stuff.

After another bad date or getting ghosted. I become to hate my ex husband. I should not be dealing with this shit in my 40″s. Then I think of all the fun I have. I get less angry at him. I mean the last 9 years I have done more then I did when I was with him. So really I should thank him in some ways.

My real question is do men ever grow up??? Do they ever stop the games? I mean really why ghost some one? Just say what you want! We are all adults and we can handle it.

Have I ever been the one that ghosted some one? I am guilty of it too. Not sure why I do it. I guess it’s easier to hit block. Then say your to old, weird, short,needy, and best of all boring. I hate being mean to people. I never want to hurt any one.

Have I become a serial dater? God I hope not. Maybe I should start drinking coffee lol. What am I looking for?? I hate this question. I want to say I have no idea. I really don’t but when I find it I will let you no.

I wish there was an app to build the perfect guy. Like mr potato head. Wouldn’t that be great!

What if?

Have you ever wondered what if I didn’t do something, how different would my life be? What was the reason I met this person? Is it fate? Is it just the way it was supposed to be? The night I re-met my, now ex-hubby, I wasn’t even suppose to go out. My friend called me at the last minute and asked me to join him. I remember this so clear, because I have gone over it hundred times in my head. I really didn’t want to go out at all. It was like something in me said that I had to go. I then sat out on my car for an hour, waiting for my friend to come. He was running late because he had car trouble, so it’s odd that I stayed and waited.

He was literally leaving the next week for New York. He had his orders and everything was planned. It all changed after that night.

After that night we will go on to be married for 12 years, have two kids, and many houses.

What if and why? Why did I go? Did someone have plans for us, and we don’t know it? I do not believe we meet people by accident. I believe there is a reason for everything. Sometimes we just have to figure it out…like a puzzle.

This is a story that, until now, I have only shared with close friends. I was working one night, and a guy came to work with me. I instantly felt a connection; one that I have never felt with my husband. Yes, I was still very married, and I just had my youngest he was 4 months old.

He must have felt the connection, too. He smiled at me,  and from there, it was an emotional affair. I was totally ignored by my hubby, because I had just become a wife and mother of kids. The physical and metal abuse was at its all time high.

While the boys were playing,or taking naps, I would find him online we would chat for hours. It had been so long since I felt wanted. I felt excited to go to work, and we would have dinner together. I can not explain the connection I felt with him, but as fast as I met him, it was just as fast as I lost him.

I went to sign onto the computer one day, like have for maybe 6 months. He was offline and offline he will stay. Why???? I now believe he was there to test me; to see how far I would go. Oddly, my ex knew nothing of any of this… nothing at all. But after this, I realized that I did love my husband, well, as much as I ever did. We were strong, and I felt we had busted through a wall that he never even knew was there.

I wonder are we connected to people for a reason? Who has a plan for us and what is the plan? If I never went in to that bar that night, where would I be today? Have I ever came into someones life and changed their world, without even knowing that I did?

Was I ever someones test? Have I ever changed anyone’s path? I sometimes wish I could see the world without me in it, like being able to watch it, just see how I made a difference in this crazy world.

Next time you meet someone think, “Why? Why was this person put in my life?”

The Other Cat

One day I was out sunning myself by the window. I looked up and I saw another cat! I swear, from the photos I saw, I thought that was the cat the man had said he had lost! There she was looking in the window. He had warned me that she might come back around. He explained on how he had spent years chasing her all around town. She was just never happy at his house. I guess she thought that she could find a bigger house, a better house, or somebody else that could love her more. For some reason I never believed him. I always thought she was make believe. But there she was just watching in the window. Not sure what happened next but I obviously laid down and took a nap. The next thing I knew, the man was coming through the door. Somehow he could just tell that I was upset, even though I hadn’t said anything. He said, “Don’t worry about her. She’ll never be allowed back into my house. You’re the only kitty I want in my bed.”

I remember a story he had told me about how this other kitty had ran away. He had searched and searched, but finally he just gave up…until a big storm came. I remember this storm. My cats lost most of their trees and they were so scared. Of course, I came to there recuse and got them safe from this bad storm.

This kitty went back to his house; I guess she felt safe with him for the moment. He told me, “I guess I was just so happy she had came back, I didn’t realize she would just run off again. I told her how much I cleaned up the house and fixed up some stuff. She seemed happy for a little while. Then next thing I new she jumped the fence and was happy in another house.”

If she is so happy why is she looking in my window?! I don’t share my house! So go run, wild kitty! You’re not welcome here no more! I’m not sure why she would rather run around the town rather then be safe. I have been out there for many years. You are always on the look-out. There are always bigger cats trying to get you…or dogs. I felt like I was always running from cars, and people.

I was always looking for food, and just trying to stay away from things that would hurt me. Now I had found my safe place I would never run away from this house. He would have to kick me out. I seemed to make him happy, and I was the happiest I have ever been. So go away other kitty! You had a great house. You chose to leave it…….

Stormy Weather

The sun was shining, yet I felt dark inside. My world was falling apart around me. I wanted to just lay in bed forever. But knowing that I had to get up, and take care of the boys and go to work, I wiped the tears from my eyes, and got up like my world had not fallen apart. I fed the boys breakfast, and got then to school, then cried all the way to work.

I put my makeup and smile on, and off to work I went. This routine would continue for a long time. My life as I knew it was over. My horrible divorce had gone public on Facebook.

Many years I went just faking happy. I would cry in the shower, so the boys would not how bad I hurt. They were the innocent victims in this war. Many nights I would lay awake wondering, “How can I do this alone?” And I blamed myself because I felt I had failed as a wife, and they lost their dad.

Then came the darkest day of my life ever….I came home from work and there was a foreclosure sign on our door. So I made game of it with my boys. “Let’s sell whatever we can to make money” I said, and we started looking for a place to rent in the smallest town ever. That was hard.We found a small house to rent and I was able to keep the boys in the same school; for that I was thankful.

By this point, my ex and his soon-to-be wife had moved 45 minutes away. Being with her was more important then helping me raise his kids. Thank God for some of the best friends I have ever met. Everyone helped out getting boys to sports, and school, and home.

Since my life had gone public, everyone knew everything. What no one knew is how dark I felt. I threw on a happy face and played the happy person, but every day I was struggling with the darkness that set in. At what point will the sun shine again in me?

It would be years of darkness until I felt the sun shine on me again…..

Till death do us apart…..

Those are the words I screamed at him on the day my life fell apart. I said, “…But I am not dead!”

Let me back up a bit….,

I woke up to the sun shining on my face I looked at the temp, which read 70°F; not too bad for May, or June in New Hampshire. One would think that I would remember the month my life fell apart. I know it was before August because that would have been our 12 year anniversary . I checked my Facebook, as I always do in the morning. His post read, “I woke up and it was foggy”…odd the sun was out. He then said, “I need to go for a walk.” I asked, “What’s going on?” He replied with one of favorite song lyrics, “I am stuck in colder weather.”

I had left him 4 months earlier when I found him cheating with a mom, from a team that my son was on. She was married with 5 kids.

I packed up the house, the kids, the dogs, the cats, and all the boys’ clothes. I called my parents who live two and half hours away. At 10:30 at night I said, “Come help me! I leaving him and I need your help!” No questions asked, they jumped in the car and helped me get everything.

Now, this is when the fun starts. I didn’t eat for like 6 days. I would try to put food in but my tummy wasn’t having it. I dropped 50 pounds in a month and all my hair fell out. He begged for me to come back. He filled me full of lies….Pure lies (later he will tell me this).

So he came to my parents house and moved us back after a week. Me, not knowing what was really going on, the minute I was back, he said, “We need to go to marriage counseling.” I was confused. He was different. Something had changed. He became a different person; not the man I married…not the man I have been with for 12 years.

“Ok. So marriage counseling it is,” I said. We would go once a week. Come to find out, he lied the whole time to the counselor. Still, to this day that confuses me. In this 4 months he made me fall in love with him. He became a person I didn’t know. But I liked it a lot. I would say we had a loveless marriage. I always thought he would grow on me, but nope, he didn’t. So he made me fall in love with him just to destroy me. Why? I still don’t know why.

Now this is the fun part. As I was going threw this odd part of life, I talked to (who I thought was) my best friend. She was also going through a divorce. At one point we were all “married couple” friends. She was much younger then us but, as she would say, she had an old soul. So in the 4 months that he was lying to me, and everyone, he was involved with her….

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