Fallen

They say cats always land on their feet. This time I don’t think so. I can’t get the strength to get back up. They say it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up. I’ve lost that power and am unsure if I will ever find it again. The simple words are you ok? The answer is no. I’m not ok at all. No one knows what to say to that. As if they expect you to say yes. There are about 7 billion people in this world, and I have found ones who really don’t give a shit. I always knew of the dangers, but I never thought they would hit me as they did. The ones I always thought would be there can’t be. I am entirely alone in this fight.

I’m sad, I’m scared, and I’m all alone. I want to be held and told it would be ok. Even though I know, it won’t be. What do you do when the only ones that can help you back up are the ones that broke you? I have no one to run to. I am truly alone! I’m just going to sit here and cry.

   I came to you broken, and you turned me away. I have fallen so hard I can’t get back up. You shut the door on me. I did nothing to deserve this except trust the wrong person. I didn’t even realize I could hurt so much. Are you ok? The word no meant nothing to you.

I’m just another kitty to you. Why I thought I was special, I don’t know. I never ask for anything. Tonight I needed you. You left me crying, unable to stand. I realize there is nothing you can do. I didn’t require you to fix me. I just needed you to hold me. That was too much to ask. My world has fallen apart. I laid down and prayed for the sun to come up. Unfortunately, nothing changed. This pain isn’t going away. How are 7 billion people in this world, and I am alone? No one seems to care that I am lost kitty with no one. I guess I’m not lost because no one is looking for me. This journey I’m on isn’t fun anymore.

  It’s raining and storming even though the sun is out. I can not see it threw all the darkness. I’m just going to lay here till the storm passes. I have no idea when that will be. How do you solve something that can’t be solved? How do you fix something that can’t be fixed? How do you see the light threw the darkness? How do I fight this fight alone? How do you fight demons you can’t see? How do you reach for help when no one can help?

This is a long dark journey ahead. I have to find the strength to get threw it. Choices were made. This will not be easy. I will fight till the end. God, please give me the strength to handle this.

Big storm coming

I felt a big storm coming. I was scared. Felt like nothing before. I came to you. You were not there. I didn’t expect you to be. I mean I wanted you to call for me. I wanted you to hold me.

Thank God it was raining. It hid my tears. I was sad and scared, and all I wanted was you. When did I become weak that I needed you? Why did I want to be in your arms? Tomorrow, the sun will shine and I will be fine.

The storm is terrible, and you don’t look for me. What did I do to make you not care? I am used to this. It doesn’t make the pain hurt worse.

I realize I am just a cat. No one seems to care. It’s a cat. It will land on its feet. Who cares if it’s left out in the rain? I am used to this by now. I am strong. This storm has felt different than all the rest. For once, I was scared, and I wanted to be safe. I will have to find that on my own. I need to find my safe place.

A storm will pass. The sun will come out and tomorrow will be better. You don’t need someone to help you. Your journey is your own. You make your journey the way it is…….

One stormy night

  The day had turned into night. There was a storm coming. I could hear that loud noise in the sky. I knew what was coming next. The water will fall. Now I have been threw a lot of storms since you left me out here. Tonight was different. I was offered a nice warm place to stay.

This lovely man said what are you doing out this storm? I will take you in just for the night. He gave me something to eat and drink. He let me sleep on the bed. At first, I didn’t want to get too close, so I slept at the end of the bed. The ball was in the sky. The storm had passed. Out I went. For some reason, I kept thinking about that lovely place and wishing I could return. Then one night, I was out walking. I see him again. He says hey kitty, sleep inside tonight. I was confused. It’s not stormy. Was he out here looking for me?

He says no one can no you here, so if you see anyone hide. I have been hiding and running for three years, so that was no problem. Still totally confused about why I am here—not going to complain about the excellent food, a nice cool place to stay. This time I slept a little closer. Just like before, the morning came, and out I went. This time I didn’t roam very far just in case, he wanted me back. This felt different than anyone else who has let me in. He didn’t try to keep me. He made sure I was taken care of and let me go.

Every few nights, he would find me again and take me in. I am still confused about what to think. He never leaves food or water for me. I am not going to complain. I get out of the heat and get food, and he gives me lovely kisses. He talks to me and never tries to keep me. It seems like a perfect situation. Good things never last so going to make the most of it.

One night he came out for me. I, of course, never went too far in case he came for me. Duplicate all the other nights. Now oddly, at this point, I would usually be looking for a way out. Not this time. Maybe because he didn’t care if I left or stayed. Morning came, but this time, he said you could stay and hang with him today. Loung around all-day and not deal with the heat and search for food. Sounds great! Night came, and now I wanted out! I wanted to make sure I could still get out. He said ok kitty you can go see you soon.

Not sure how long it was, but it had been a while, and he had not come to get me. I was sad. I figured he decided not to break his rules of no kitties. Then one night, I showed up and just sat there. He came out and said come on in, kitty. He told me he had been busy. I was just happy to sleep in a bed tonight!

I have been able to hang inside all day a few times and many nights and still confused about where I belong. I’m pretty sure if I went away, he would not look for me. I’m not sure if he would even miss me. For right now, I have a safe place from storms……..

What kind of cat?

What kind of cat do you want to be? You want to be that cat that sits inside and looks at all the crazy things outside? Do you want to be out chasing all the crazy things? I always thought I wanted to be the cat inside looking at all the crazy. Somehow I got out. Once I started chasing all the crazy stuff. I couldn’t stop! I’ve been out here so long I have forgotten what inside looks like. How it feels just to sit and watch.

I am so tired of chasing things. I see all these cats looking at me threw the widows. I wonder, are they jealous? Well, I am jealous of them. I want to be inside looking out. I want a nice safe place to stay. I’m tired of chasing and running and looking for stuff. I want to be inside, safe from all the crazy. I want someone to bring me food. I want someone to cuddle me at night. I wonder if these cats inside even understand how good they have it. Then you have the perfect cat. The ones that go out and chase all day but have to go back in and get all the inside benefits. They get the best of both worlds.

I was not that lucky to get that life. I was blessed with the energy of struggles. I was always chasing and running from what I had no idea anymore. I hang out with all the Kitty’s that all go home at the end of the day. They stay and play and chase with me. Then they all leave. Until the next day, they will be back. They have no idea how good they have it.

Will you be that cat that travels threw this life alone? Will you be that cat who has someone forever? I’m getting old being out here alone. Chasing gets more challenging every day. So, before you answer, what kind of cat do you want to be? Remember, it could be forever…..

Fat cat

So I hear someone say, look at that fat cat! I look around. Who are they talking about? I don’t see any other cats. Wait! They are talking about me! When did I become that fat cat?

Well, damn, no one wanted me when I was thin. Now, who would want a fat old cat? I was walking by a mirror, and I was like, who is that fat cat walking by me. OMG!!! That’s me! Well, damn, when did this happen? All these humans feed me all this yummy food. All these stupid Tom cats want the thin young kittys. Well what about us old fat cats?

I haven’t seen a Tomcat in so long! They are all chasing these young cats. I once was one of those cute thin kittys. I am chasing my forever. I am tired of running these streets alone. I’m tired and cold! Now I am this fat old cat. Who will ever take in this old fat cat? I miss my warm bed. I miss being with my forever.

I always wonder what I did to be left alone. What did I do so wrong? I have so much love to give. Time is running out. I may never be able to give it. I may have to travel this life alone.

I was so complete in your bed. Life just seemed right. You left me and made me live on the street. Life has never been right again. I never thought I could feel like I did with you. You just left me without any care. Do you care that I am out here all alone? I may never find you again. You need to know what you did by throwing me out.

I have gone to our old home. There are others there. They don’t like me. They say go away kitty. I just want to go back. I want to cuddle with you on the couch and watch a storm come in. I want to be inside and not the outside.

The fact I may never find my forever again. I hate being out here alone. I am sad fat old kitty. No one wants to take in. What did I do so wrong? I need to know so I never do it again.

The other woman

So women always fear “the other woman.”  What happens if you were always the “other woman.” I somehow have fallen into this role most of my life. I became the person people hate. “The other woman.” I’m really not sure why or when it started.  I have been single on my own for so long. I really don’t even remember how it feels to have a partner—someone to share your life with. I must give out that vibe. I’m the fun girl, not the girl they chose long-term. Oddly was like before marriage. I was married for 12 long years. Then I was set free! I fell right back into my role. Always single. Do I like being the other woman? It’s not like I set out looking to be. I guess I kind of like the fact they will never get attached. I still have the freedom to do what I want.

• 

Maybe it’s the thrill of it. I’m not really sure. I do know why I never trust anyone. I tried finding Mr. Right, but my Mr. Right was someone else’s. That seemed to be the theme of my life. I gave in and decided just go with it. For most of my life, I am just single. Do I fear I will be forever? Yes, for sure. How will life change if it has yet to this far? Will I always be “the other woman”? Or will I find a guy who chooses me? Someone who will see all the love I have to give. Who will see past the damaged heart? Someone who helps me change the path of destruction that I am on. I guess we shall see, but for now, I will continue to live free!

Meeting evil

I was just little Kitty when I first realized what evil was. This man that I thought was my savior really was my enemy. I was just a tiny little kitty. All I wanted was to be loved and cared for. All you would do is tell me to go away. I would try to snuggle and give kisses, and you would shove me away. Sometimes you would hurt me. Some other times you pick me up and love on me. That would make me so happy. So all day while you were away. I would try to figure out what I did when you were pleased with me. So every day, I would try harder to make you want me.

As I got a little bigger. The days you yelled at me and hurt me. I started to fight back. I may have scratched you. Maybe I even bit you. I would feel horrible for being like that. All I wanted was for you to love me. I became more and more afraid of you. I spent many nights alone and sad. I was trying to figure out what I did. One day you left the door open by mistake, and I ran away. I was shocked you came for me. Maybe you did care for me. The nights you were mean to me, I would dream about the adventure I had.

The dream of running away had ended. I have kittens of my own. I know there is no way for me to care for them on my own. At first, he was very kind to babies. I thought maybe now he will be kind and lovable. Unfortunately, it was the same. I tried so hard to please him no matter what I did was never good enough. I figured as long as he is just horrible to me and not my babies, I was ok with that. For now….

It was years of being thrown down. Told I was not a nice kitty. My babies were older now, and I could see him being mean to them now too. He left that door open, and this time, we all ran! I ran so far he wouldn’t find me again!

It would be year’s later that I figured out there is evil everywhere! I started thinking it must be me. How can people be so mean to me when all I wanted was to please them since leaving that mean man. I have lived many places, some for a short time, some for longer. I realized being alone with my babies, well, they’re not babies anymore. Was the best for now. That got lonely sometimes, and I would adventure out again. Trying to find that perfect situation. I got to meet lots of Kittys like me. I like to call us the misfits. We have all misplaced from somewhere else. Some of them were mean to me also. I didn’t understand how someone could so mean to a lost little kitty. I realized I was back to my old habit of trying to please them. I was just trying to feel loved. Trying to fit into their world. It just wasn’t possible. They had different kind of life, and I did not fit in. No matter how I tried, they were just so mean.

Off to my new adventure…..,

Finally!!!

I don’t need to fake a smile, fake a laugh. I think at one point; I had real friends. It’s been so long since I felt I had friends. Every turn you took to hurt me. I came back with a smile. I believe some people feed off other’s pain. Even when I don’t like someone, I would never go out of my way to hurt them. It takes a special kind of person. I have lost friends before. I have never met someone who keeps breaking someone over and over again. I would smile through the pain. The emptiness I always felt. Yet, I came back for more. I would think maybe if I didn’t talk, you would stop trying to hurt me. That didn’t work. I would try to guess what happened to our friendship? What could I have done to make you not only hate me but destroy me? I still have no idea. At least the next time I see you. You will know no how I feel about you. Sadly losing you, I also lost some other friends. I hope they never get to see the evil side that I did.

It was odd some may have been upset when a friendship ends. I felt free! Free to tell how I felt for two years. Free that I will never painfully have to fake to like you. From now on, your just some person I used to know. You can’t hurt me anymore!

Your past will catch up to you

Best saying don’t let your past be your future. The only problem with that is if you lie, your lies become your future. You can not outrun lies. It’s like three mayor rules do not lie, cheat, or steal. For some reason, people have a hard time following these three simple rules in life. Not sure why? One lie because of another, and then it snowballs. It is unfortunate to see some will never learn. You are not caring who their lies hurt. I hate when they say I was protecting you. You should never and never have to lie to someone. You are only prolonging their pain. Treat others as you want to be treated—another easy rule.

In some ways, most people live a lie. They own stuff that’s not theirs. They buy on credit. If you live on credit, you live a lie. Unfortunately, that’s the American way. People live in houses they really can’t afford; they drive cars they can not afford. Why? Well, it’s the American way. My eyes, you’re stupid! If you don’t have cash for it, don’t buy it! Stop living a lie! I live in the hood. Why? Because that’s what I can afford. I refuse to live a lie. I did that for way too many years. Was I happy? No! Not at all. Am I happy now that I live the truth? Hell yeah! You should try it. Most will never. They are so glad living there lie. Until it all falls apart, trust me, when it all falls apart, and it will, it sucks! All lies catch up one way or another.

Run kitty run

Ugh, it’s cold again! I am out in the cold ! No one cares! Why do people think cats don’t feel pain! Well, we do, and we get sad when you leave us. When you throw us out in the cold and never come for us. We are scared and sad. Not any cat can take our place. We are all not the same! I am out in this damn cold because some other cat took my place! They are not me, and they can never replace me. Humans are so cruel! They take us in show us this great life then just throw us away. Trust me if I see that cat there will be a fight!

How dare she to take what I had! But then again, your just to blame! How dare you throw me out with no care. You just figured someone else would save me. Well, guess what, no one did. You moved on, and I am out roaming in this cold alone. Are you happy??? Happy that I am sad? Glad that I am alone, scared, and cold? Why would you care? You have another kitty. You had another kitty before you even kicked me out. Hoping I would be someone else’s problem. Well, don’t worry, you are free of me. I have stopped searching for you. I will never have that feeling of being safe again. I will always be on the run.

I know better than to trust, but sometimes I forget. The comfort takes over, and guards come down. I am too old for this. I should be warm and being taken care of. Instead, I am out here in the damn cold. At least my heart is safe!