Running from something or chasing something…..

I was on the plane, and a man sat next to me. Maybe he could see tears in eyes, perhaps not. He says, are you running from something or are chasing something? I said both. He said, please explain we have a 14-hour flight. You seem like you have an exciting story. I laughed and said if I started from the beginning, we need longer then 14 hours.

I said, well, would you like to hear what am I running from? Or would you rather listen to what I am chasing first? He said I want to know the past before the future.

I am running from a lot of bad decisions. Not sure why I made the choices I did. I caused myself a lot of pain. He said, why what did you do. Well, for starters, I chose to put people in my life that really shouldn’t have been in there. I never tell people when they hurt me. I just walk away. My life is full of people that have taken a piece of me away. I learned the hard way a friend can’t be ”lost.” No one can take away your true friend. I have met so many great people in every state. I have lived in. As one of my friends says, this too shall pass soon, and all will be great again! I hear those words daily. I often wonder if people know they hurt me as badly as they do. Or if they even care. He said, well, why don’t you tell them? Why? Then they would be nice again? Why would I want that I already saw their true colors? I feel like I kind of have a gift I see more than most. He says, how is that? I see people for who they are, for most people can not. I also know more than most people think I do.

I have only really trusted one guy with my heart. He says I assume it didn’t go well because he isn’t here. Once again, he was more important to me than I was to him. That is a very big pattern in my life. He planed a whole life without me and left. I mean it was great I wish I could have done it, but I had kids. If I were important to him, he would have waited for me. I would have waited for him. That’s just how my life has gone. Always there for everyone and no one there for me. Well, my parents and boys, I would have nothing if it weren’t for them.

I feel like I lived so many different lives. He says, why do you say that? Well, I have been broke and rich. I have married and single. He says, wait, you have been married? Is he the one you trusted with your heart? Sadly no. He was the cause of a lot of heartache in my life. That being said, he gave me the two best things no one else could. He gave me my boys. So far, he is the only man to put up for me for that long. I believe I was only supposed to marry once and only have my two boys. I believe there was a plan. There is a definite pattern in life. The only one that doesn’t fit is marriage and kids.

You’re going to have to explain that more he said. Since the age of like 14 till now. I never really dated anyone long term ever. The only person I did I married. I am usually not the girl people pick to date. Not sure why? Thinking it must be my personality or lifestyle. Maybe the only reason the one guy that stole my heart was because he the only one ever to pick me. Then again, in his mind, I was short term till his next life. So really, he wasn’t much different than the rest just better at hiding it. I think every time someone decides, I am not good enough to be there girlfriend; they take a piece of me away. I stopped even looking because of this. I was afraid there would be nothing left of me. It’s sad to me because I have so much to give. He asked, what does that mean? When I love someone as a friend or boyfriend, I take care of them.

More importantly, the worse of my patterns is losing ”friends.” Nothing worse than being betrayed by a friend, nothing. I hold a lot of pain in me. So much pain, I am starting not to know myself anymore.

He says, what do you mean by that? I figured everyone couldn’t be wrong, so it has to be me. The problem has to be me. How do I change me? How do I be the girl guys want to date how do I be that friend won’t get betrayed? I have yet figured out that question.

So you ask what I am running from? I am running from myself. I have already done this once before. I am hoping this time will be even better. He asked what you have done before? The boys and I moved far away from every one started new. Fresh Start! That’s how I know it’s me. The problem is with me. The only problem is I have no idea how to fix it. He says maybe stop running and tell them how bad they hurt you? I believe in Karma and for all who have wronged me will get what they should. I also thank them all for making me who I am today. Who knows maybe they will read my blog one day and realize what they have done. That’s interesting you write a blog? I said, yes, I do. He asks what I will be in your blog? You will be the man sitting next to me on a plane. Interesting…