Alone

I am in a room full of “friends.” Yet I feel all alone. Most of them not knowing me at all. Many have hurt me, having no idea they have. Having the feeling, I don’t belong here. Will they ever understand me? No, they won’t. My life is so different than all of them. I don’t belong anywhere. Even at my house, I just want not to be there. I am always chasing people who don’t want me. Why?? I have no idea. When I am away, I miss everyone in my life. When I am present, I want to be somewhere else.

Not knowing where you belong in life sucks. I keep searching for happiness. I know that happiness comes from inside. You can’t find it. Yet I still search for it. I always wonder if I suppose to be alone in this world. If there really isn’t anyone for me. Maybe it’s the way I live my life. Being alone for the rest of my life makes me sad. I have so much to give, but no one ever seems to want it. Realizing a friend you thought was a friend really isn’t. That hurts a lot. Sadly it has happened so many times like at a deli line yelling ”next.” I become numb from the pain. I will never let them know how bad they have hurt me. It’s my fault for thinking they were a friend. You can never lose a true friend. Real friends don’t leave you ever.

When your car breaks down at 2 in the morning, the person you first call is your friend. When you get the best news ever and the first person you think of. That is your friend on the worse day of your life. The first person you call is your friend. It may be your mom, dad, sister, or even your kids.

Many do not understand my life. I think some times that it’s much better just to be alone. Some times I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I often wonder if my ”friends” see my pain. I try to be my best. Sometimes that isn’t good enough. I realize who really is my friend and who is not.

Losing and gaining friends and boyfriends has made me who I am today. With every loss teaches me a lesson. I hope to feel someday like I belong somewhere. For every friend, I lose is sadness. Also, I learn a lot. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. God puts people in your life for a reason.